Do you know how to pony like Bony Marone? Are you gonna come and relive your glory days of about two years ago when you finally decided to buy Horses and figure out what all the hoopla was, and now you sing it real loud in the car and embarrass your kids and feel freaking great? Surely you weren't into her way back in The Day (say, 1975, anyone? I was 2. Were you?) when Courtney Love and even Chrissie Hynde were just a twinkle in her eye. Coming in from all directions, white, shining, silver studs with their nose in flames, horses, horses, horses, horses, horses, horses, horses, horses. Kids, it's punk priestess Patti Smith, and you will worship her or I'll know the reason why. 8 p.m. $27.50. All ages. The Grove of Anaheim, 2200 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 712-2700.
Perhaps you're feeling a little less spooky Blake and Rimbaud and a little more fried pork rind. In that case, come out for Elvis & the Disciples of the King (members of Three Bad Jacks and X's DJ Bonebrake delivering Elvis tunes) as they give you all the fatty comfort songs your trailer-trash heart could desire. 9 p.m. $5. 21+. Doll Hut, 107 S. Adams St., Anaheim, (714) 533-1286; www.dollhut.com.
See strange and curious artifacts! Experience the well of perfumed ecstasy! And don't forget Hanna the Fortunetelling Mouse! All at MC McMillen's Museum of Distractionopening at Cal State Fullerton's Main Art Gallery! Yeah! Then, if you must, you can fall down on the ground and start your own howling performance piece. Be sure to howl about Blake and Rimbaud. It'll totally get you laid. 5-8 p.m. Free. Cal State Fullerton's Main Art Gallery, 800 N. State College Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 278-3262.
Girls: join Holly Beck for a series of surfing classes on contest strategies, surf techniques and more at the Learn to Surf Better Clinic. 8 a.m.-4 p.m. $65.
Then watch 32 short- and 16 longboarders in the One Star World Qualifying Series Women's Competition. And then? What other than the Hello Kitty Festival, a free beach festival featuring games, activities and entertainment to knock any errant Feminazi right back out of you. 10 a.m.-5 p.m. El Porto (42nd St.), Manhattan Beach, (714) 375-1132; www.boardfest.com.
Go blow your rent money on the Hawaiian fusion cuisine at Roy's Hawaiian Fusion Cuisine. They got a real nice place there. 453 Newport Center Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 640-7697.
People were always telling us we had to go do punk rock karaoke at Fern's, but the one time we tried, it was a skanky pit, kind of like Kansas. So if you wanna get your rock star on, try the karaoke at DiPiazza. The sight lines are shitty and the sound ain't great, but you don't have to worry you're gonna sit in someone else's pee. 9 p.m. Call for covers. 21+. DiPiazza Restaurant and Lounge, 5205 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach, (562) 498-2461; www.dipiazzas.com.
Wed Patton Oswalt had me at "Loretta Swit had a bush you could hide a VCR in." That's why Patton Oswalt is my lover. I think I'm mad at him now, though I don't remember the reason why. Oh, that's right. He has a girlfriend. Call for time and tickets. Irvine Improv,71 Fortune Dr., Ste. 841, Irvine, (949) 854-5455.Thurs/Sep 2
Hardest-working man in show biz Gustavo Arellano thinks Hillary Duffis grrrreat! Such suspect tastes are why we don't let him write for any of our sections. In the great Teen Tartlet Wars of 2004, he's gonna side with whey-faced Duff over Lindsay Lohan? Sure, I'll bet Lohan's no fun as a person, but the girl's got an intelligent, open-faced appeal—unlike her wispy li'l nemesis, who by the way will be singing to all your tween tartlet wannabes at The Pond tonight. Sounds atrocious! Have fun! 7 p.m. $38-$48. All ages. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2400; www.arrowheadpond.com.