Cheapskate Of The Year

Illustration by Bob AulPerhaps my fresh-pressed suit and designer shoes fooled you, but like most limousine drivers, I am not a rich man. Yet as a Hispanic business owner—I own my limo—I was honored to juggle my schedule so I could give you a ride to a ceremony where you'd accept the Hispanic Businessman of the Year award. But I was surprised to arrive at your door and discover that I would not only be driving you and your date to the auditorium—as you had indicated—but also your entire family (including grandma). It must have been uncomfortable for all 13 of you, especially given the long ride home, since you insisted that so many people be dropped off at their individual houses, which are spread all over the county. As the final member of la familiapiled out in front of your estate, you barked, "Take everything out of there. I paid for it." Out came kids with jars of complimentary candy, out came your date with a couple of six-packs of soda, and out came your mama with a half-dozen bottles of unopened booze pressed against her ample bosom. You didnot pay for those goodies; Idid. I supply them as a service to my regular airport pickups. If I had to completely restock my car after each trip, I'd either have to jack up my prices or go broke. So next time you need a ride, may I suggest a form of transportation that's more befitting someone of your class? A stinky city bus.

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