By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Wednesday, June 30 Take this for what it's worth, but today, posted on the This Modern World website [thismodernworld.com] is this thing purported to be—typos and all—an "actual excerpt from the June 25 session of Ask the White House" online chat room, this one with Paul Wolfowitz, the loveable troll who brought you the enchanted delight "Iraqi Adventure." Still, take notice this chat starts with the mysterious "Jon" of Huntington Beach. Here goes:jon, from huntington beach, ca writes:I realize that Iraq is in control of a great deal of the government but why don't you catch the insurgents off-guard and turn full control over to Iraq now. What difference does a few days make? I have the feeling that they are planning some big attack on the 30th. Remove the significance of June 30th.
Let the Iraq deel with the insurgents starting right now.Paul Wolfowitz:That's an interesting idea. The terrorists work by surprising us and we need to think about what we can do to throw them off balance.
Three days later, of course, we handed over "power" to the Iraq and let them deel with the insurgents, and they've done a spit-spot job, haven't they? The fact that Jon suggested this and three days later we did this is probably all just a crazy coincidence, you know, like all the WMDs disappearing at the exact same moment we entered Iraq.
Thursday, July 1 Marlon Brandopasses away, his death completing the latest requisite famous-people-die-in-threes cycle: Brando, Ray Charles, Ronald Reagan. After Ray Charles died, I asked some friends which famous shoe would fall next. I got a lot of Larry King and Barbara Bush. Me? I ignored conventional wisdom—not to mention math—and voted my hope: Bruce Willis.
Friday, July 2 This morning, while promoting her weekend appearances at the Irvine Improv on KROQ's Kevin and Bean Show, comedian Kathy Griffin encourages the audience to "come on down to Orange County, where you can gang rape someone, videotape it and still get off!" Get used to it. Remember those salad days when the worst thing they would say about Orange County was that it was an intolerant, cross- and police vehicle-burning burg that, if you didn't factor in the hot middle-school teachers who put out, would have nothing going for it. Ah, the salad days. One of the people most responsible for this recent transformation is none other than Haidl Threedefense attorney Joseph Cavallo, whose vicious defense of his clients involved the chewing up and spitting out of a 17-year-old girl known as Jane Doe. But today, in an LA Times story, a wilting Cavallo says he won't be around for the second trial because his feelings have really been hurt by all the nasty things said about him. Yes, it appears the man who has no problem calling a 17-year-old girl an amoral slut who aspires to be a porn star and put innocent people in jail and who set upon to destroy that girl by turning her friends and mother against her, has a sensitive side. He says in the story one of the most hurtful things written about him appeared here in the Weekly when we wrote Cavallo "spits out 17-year-old girls." It took me a while before I realized that I wrote that in this here column space. Look, here it is from our June 11 issue:
Friday, June 4: Who do you think sleeps better? Haidl defense attorney Joseph Cavallo—who spits out 17-year-old girls—or the lawyer who does those radio ads bragging he got a guy out of a DUI who was blowing a 0.2? My guess? They both sleep just fine.
Geez, for a guy who spits out 17-year-old girls, Cavallo sure has a thin skin. And, frankly, that was pretty tame compared to the stuff our readers have been saying about him on our Letters page. Every week, from all over the globe—how's it hanging Bjorn in Goteborg?—letter writers not only wrote about how much they hated Cavallo but also mused on a proper comeuppance, ranging from prison justice to prison romance to the hope that a daughter of his would fall prey to Jane Doe's fate. Seriously, Joe, you should have seen the stuff we couldn't run.
Saturday, July 3 Well, whattya know? I'm hearing and reading rumors that Congressman Chris Cox (R-Newport Beach) may be in line to become the next director of the CIA. My, my, my. If Cox had a dime for every job he was supposed to get that he actually didn't—well, actually, he'd have very little money, given inflation and the price of gas. But the point is: dude cannot close the deal. Maybe it's those pictures of him with that decidedly too-hungry look, boy always seems to be licking his chops. Now, let's see. Cox was supposed to be a vice presidential candidate, apparently losing out because his candidacy didn't track well with the undead. And then he was supposed to be a shoe-in for the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals but got the boot. Apparently, that ruined his other career path: Supreme Court justice, where he was expected to finally end Ruth Bader Ginsberg's rein as Court Indian wrestling champ. There was also talk of him heading the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), which probably was welcome news to all the folks the SEC polices but not to those it's supposed to protect. Well, good luck, Chris. Still, given your past, I would quit your day job. What is it you do?
Sunday, July 4 Happy Independence Day. Buying a pie at a local restaurant, I'm handed a small American flag by the cashier. "Here," he says, glancing at my pie, "you're gonna need this." The pie in question? French silk.
Monday, July 5 Remember when you were a kid, and you and your friends—still high from spinning and Pixie Sticks—used to argue what came after a billion: A trillion, a zillion and then you'd come up with all these ridiculous names like kabillion? Well, that's how much money Spider-Man 2 made this weekend. I only tell you this because this development undoubtedly ends the one-week reign of Edwards University 6 in Irvine as the highest-grossing theater in the 700-some Regal Cinemachain. The Uni 6 is, for my money, the best theater in Orange County—maybe Southern California—but given its predilection for showing artsy/indie/Miramaxy movies . . . um . . . films, it's never been a big earner compared to the Big Boxplexes. But last week, it cleaned up because of a little something called Fahrenheit 9/11. That's great for the theater, but one has to wonder how Regal owner/Bush supporter Phillip Anschutz feels about it. Oh, he's just fine with it.
Tuesday, July 6 This morning, a car bomb explodes in the Iraqi town of Khalis, killing 13 people attending the wake for the victims of a previous attack. Deel with it.