My Sweet Satan

Photo by Matt OttoSatan does more before noon than even the U.S. Army does all day; maybe that's why this Saturday's all-day music festival—marking the opening of a Cal State Fullerton Grand Central art exhibit exploring 100 different sides of the Dark Lord himself—starts at a hangover-unfriendly 11 a.m. Saturday. Still, it's a helluva lineup—on top of the music schedule, which is basically Money Mark headlining over the Feedback issue two weeks ago, the contributors to the visual exhibition inside Grand Central include such art stars as Mark Ryden, Boyd Rice and R. Crumb—and it's a lot to absorb all at once, particularly if, like most discerning music fans, your brain doesn't switch on till the sun goes down. So here's your schedule—the most up-to-date we could get at press time!—in advance. (Please check the Koo's website for an actual, rock-solid schedule.)

10:48 A.M. Hangover breakfast at GYPSY DEN: pancakes, banana mocha, banana mocha, extra-strength TYLENOL, extra-strength TYLENOL, banana mocha, morning-after pill if applicable. Tip your WAITRESS because she is CUTE. 11:12 A.M. The THINGZ sound really good because some of them are TEACHERS and they're used to being alert, perky and productive before noon on any given day. They are the READING RAINBOW response to THEE HEADCOATS. 12:01 P.M. Do not even think about GOING TO THE LIQUOR STORE or THE BATHROOM because OPERATOR rips off WIRE and will be done in, like, 12 minutes. 12:13 P.M.Go to LIQUOR STORE or BATHROOM. 12:46 P.M. MATT COSTA is a SENSITIVE DYLAN-ESQUE BOY with an ACOUSTIC GUITAR, and if it wasn't so bright out, SHY GIRLS would probably HUG him. 1:34 P.M.OC Weekly almost-cover darlings (and future KOCE celebs—stay tuned!) GEISHA GIRLS will be hot and thirsty. Give drummer DAMIEN a 40 OF OLD E, but warn him he's just gonna sweat it out anyway. Note how he does not care. 2:26 P.M. Can you believe actual OC Weekly cover darlings FOXY AUTOPSY have the nerve to rap about VAGINAS in broad daylight like this? J.J. FAD must be rolling in their graves. 3:10 P.M. Begin to suspect this SATISFACTION not same as scrappy girl group featured in delightful '80s trash-film romp of the same name due to bunch of fucking dudes onstage, one of whom probably sports ridiculously obscene HANDLEBAR MUSTACHE. Sensitive yet plucky keyboard BUTT ROCK takes edge off disappointment. 3:36 P.M. Shouldn't SQUELCH be around here somewhere? Like, smearing something on something? 4:08 P.M. Seeing a gruff punk & roll band such as HARBOR TOWN SAINTS in the bitter afternoon sun is like sticking your FINGER into a SAILOR'S MOUTH: hot, but a little weird. 4:52 P.M. If FUNK was SOLAR-POWERED, NATURAL AFRODISIAC would be even better. 5:46 P.M. If a drummer who likes KING CRIMSON and a guitarist with EVERY EFFECTS PEDAL EVER were SOLAR-POWERED, BLOWUPBLOW would be even better, too. 6:31 P.M. Hope THE SKULLS play "LET'S GET RID OF LA" or that the SKULLS learn "OC LIFE." Either way, prepare for REGIONAL APPLAUSE. 7:20 P.M. FREE MORAL AGENTS hardly ever do live shows, so if you miss this, you will just have to listen to your SPLIT 12-inch with rapper SUBTITLE in a VONS PARKING LOT and pretend. 8:56 P.M. Loudly ask MONEY MARK what's up with the FUCKED-UP COPY-PREVENTING SPY SOFTWARE hidden on the new BEASTIE BOYS CD. Enjoy how he pauses midset to glare and mutter something obscene directly to YOU! 9:28 P.M. Watch crowd get jiggy with the sweet funky grooves of 00 SOUL while grooving to the funky jigginess or possibly getting funky to the jiggy grooves. This crowd does it for the nookie. Enjoy band but silently wish pox upon crowd if/when BEACH BALL comes out. 10:14 P.M. Be HAPPY because you just saw about 40 percent of the GOOD LOCAL BANDS in one 10-HOUR STRETCH. Now you don't have to go out again EVER. The 100 Artists See Satan Art and Music Festival with Money Mark, Free Moral Agents, The Skulls, Several DJs, a Guy Who Eats Fire or Something, and more at Cal State Fullerton Grand Central Art Center Promenade, 125 N. Broadway, Santa Ana; www.koos.org. Sat., 11 a.m. Free. All ages.