Big Balls

"What are the odds?" says Big Business bassist Jared: hand-picked closing act was Long Beach's Big Muscles, apologetic and awed at sharing the bill. Seemed like a natural time to get down to science, so we found out who's got the bigger muscles and who's got the bigger, er, business. Muscles measured around the bicep and businesses measured limp (limp, ladies, so don't get catty!) straight down the crotch line unless noted.

WARREN THOMAS, not officially in Big Muscles, but was onstage with a mic the whole set for some reason

MUSCLE: 13"

BUSINESS: 4.25"

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: "Make sure you put in parentheses limp."

MARTY SATAMAN, bass, Big Muscles

MUSCLE: 12"

BUSINESS: 4"

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: "It's cold in here."

SCOTT CORNISH, drums, Big Muscles

MUSCLE: 12"

BUSINESS: "Three mighty inches," says tape-measure girl.

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: "I have a really big truck, if that counts."

NATE WALTON, guitar, Big Muscles

MUSCLE: a little under 12"

BUSINESS: 6" ("and maybe a quarter"), but Nate would only be measured at, er, full bloom.

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: "It sucks my boner went down when I ran over here."

COADY WILLIS, drums, Big Business

MUSCLE: 12"

BUSINESS: "Just put huge."

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: "I don't know if it's presentable."

JARED WARREN, bass, Big Business

MUSCLE: 15"

BUSINESS: 7" through jeans

EXCUSE FOR SIZE OF BUSINESS: Nate Walton says, "That's a finger!"

(Rex Reason; measurements by Farron Feiner)