The Unsuccessful Slut

Of ladies of leisure, the gay bartender and Xs John Doe!

"Uh, you know I'm married, right?" he asked.

Gack!

I fled to a corner to tell my girls and Waxapple Brian Coakley, and they all laughed and laughed (and yes, I knew that, and no, I wasn't trying to sleep with him). "Brian, hold my hand when we leave so John Doe doesn't think I'm trying to sleep with him," I said, and Brian did. Then I asked him if he wanted to make out; I assured him it was okay with his wife, who'd tried to pimp him out to me just an hour before, but I guess he thought I was joking because he just laughed and laughed.

The night before, I'd been grown-up and respectable and gone to the Arizona State University film festival at the Santora, put on by Rat Powered Films; afterward, one of my dearest gays and I went on to a local dive where the darling bartender bought me a shot and did a little dance behind the bar and let old ladies pretend to take his pants down. He was cute and friendly and unpretentiously well-educated, and I loved him. But when he did the little dance, I turned to my gay. "Are you sure he's not gay?" I asked quietly. "He's not gay," my gay said. My gay mentioned the gay bar where he used to work, and our bartender said he'd been there once. Huh? "My friend dragged me there," he said smiling. "Are you sure he's not gay?" I asked my gay. "No, he's gay-friendly," my gay replied. I love men who are gay-friendly! I loved him, and my gay approved. I flashed back to my bartender salad days. I would make him mine, in a really respectable, unslutty way.

It totally didn't work. So when we left at closing time, I called back to the bar. I didn't mean to be stalky or slutty, but would the bartender like to go for a cup of coffee?

"Oh, sweetheart," he said. "A) I have to drive home, and B) . . . I have a partner. But please come back for a drink any time—as friends. Is that all right?"

"Of course!" I trilled. Because if there's one thing I don't have enough of, it's people who've rejected me. I called my gay. "Is there ever a time when a straight man calls his girlfriend his 'partner'?" I asked. "Like maybe if she's superfeminist?"

"No," my gay answered, and then he laughed and laughed.

CommieGirl99@hotmail.com.
« Previous Page
 |
 
1
 
2
 
All
 
My Voice Nation Help
0 comments
 
Loading...