21. Takes herself way too seriously. Back in the '80s, she was a little guarded, but she was kinda fun! How often does the "diva" crack a smile these days? Like never. She clearly does care what we think about her, and her random, wacky image changes reek of desperation. Her gaze is filled with insecurity, and her personal comments, which she is never at a loss for, tell us she never regrets her past yet distances herself from it because she's all maternal, but she's still cool, but more reserved, but still into shock, blah, blah, blah. Look—just admit you're persnickety and that some of your stuff majorly sucked, and then parlay your current "talents" into an adult medium like popular standards. After all, you ain't no Cher—but she could give you some humility lessons.
Madonna performs at The Arrowhead Pond, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2500. Wed.-Thurs., June 2-3, 8 p.m. $45-$300. All ages.