By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Wednesday May 5 Happy Cinco de Mayo . . . and quit looking at my wife! Disneyland opens its Tower of Terrorthrill ride, the thrill being pretending to plunge to your death in a very tall building. Now that's fun and, you know, has nothing do with, you know, other towers and other people plunging to their deaths in those towers as a result of terror because that would be wrong, you know, to make an attraction that would seem to be having fun with people plunging to their death in tall towers as a result of terror, yes, that would certainly be wrong, like having a pirate ride that seemed to be have fun with scenes of simulated rape. But Disney chairman (this week) Michael Eisner can't celebrate much today, as he's trying to explain to the press why his company won't release Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 about the events before and after Sept. 11. Eisner explains that Disney doesn't like to cause waves, calling his company "nonpartisan," a definition vigorously challenged by advocacy groups for evil stepmothers. Eisner maintains that the kind of attention Moore's documentary would attract is not what publicity-shy Disney is interested in, which explains why the company only advertised its new ride—the one with the words Tower and Terror in its title—in print and on radio, television and Internet but decided not to create a Tower of Terror balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, probably because they'd already spent the money constructing a Tower of Terror replica on the largest Rose Parade float ever made.
Thursday May 6 Happy National Day of Prayer . . . and I was serious about my wife, Vicar! The Huntington Beach Interfaith Council celebrates centuries of people mumbling to themselves with a breakfast organized by felon/disgraced ex-councilman Dave Garofalo, who is banned for life from public office but not public cries for attention. The more than 400 in attendance hear keynote speaker Ed Smart, father of Elizabeth Smart, the Utah girl abducted from her home and "miraculously" found, say that he is convinced "prayers brought Elizabeth home." He made no comment about the unanswered prayers to save Samantha Runnion, Polly Klaas and countless other abducted children who never make it back, nor, for that matter, does he have anything to say about felons/disgraced councilmen banned for life from public office. My attempts to speak with Jesus on this point were unsuccessful, but in a written statement, the current Hollywood "It" boy said, "When you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men. I tell you the truth; they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." Elizabeth Smart was actually in attendance at the prayer meeting and signed autographs—yes, autographs. That may seem a little bizarre, but at least it took the sting out of the disappointing news that, due to a routing error, organizers would not be able to distribute the Lindberg Baby Amazin' Bobblehead Doll as planned.
Friday May 7 Morgan Spurlock, whose film Super Size Me was an entrant at the Newport Beach Film Festival, is on the Today show as his movie gets its national release. Super Size Me is about Spurlock eating only McDonald's for a month to the great detriment of his health while showing how America is eating itself to death, especially our children whose school lunches have slightly less nutritional value than packing material. Elfen Today host Katie Couric bites into Spurlock, calling his movie unfair to McDonald's and suggesting several times that the fault for rampant obesity lies with individuals too lazy to go out and get themselves a personal chef, trainer, nanny and pixie stylists. . . . In response to Orange County's ongoing financial crisis, Supervisor Charles Smith suggests selling John Wayne Airport, which might seem like a good idea except that for the past decade, guys like Chuck Smith have been going out of their way to say we need a new airport because John Wayne is such a dump. This is called the soft sell. . . . My kid's school lunch today: pepperoni pizzatas and tater tots.
Saturday May 8 Chicken suit. 6:55 p.m. Accompanied by two guys in plainclothes, a man in a bright-yellow chicken suit (red comb and wattles) enters the In-N-Out Burger across from UC Irvine. A chicken suit. A burger joint. Electricity runs through diners in the crowded restaurant. Will there be trouble? The chicken orders two Double-Doubles, fries and a indeterminate beverage. Asked by a diner about the chicken suit, one of the chicken's handlers says, "He works for Chik-fil-A, but he likes beef."
Sunday May 9 Happy Mother's Day. . . enough with the wife! Speaking of which, Pete Knight, author of the Knight Initiative banning gay and lesbian marriages, dies. Lots of gay men and lesbian women have homosexual sex tonight, many of them heard asking, "Who's Pete Knight?"
Monday May 10 George W. Bush's ratings hit an all-time low, with just 46 percent of Americans approving of the way he's running the country. Contributing to his low numbers are those pesky political pests: a sluggish economy and war crimes. And then there's the total lack of any cohesive domestic or international plan outside of "I didn't do it!" Still, Bush is leading presumed Democratic candidate John Kerry, whose campaign, rumor has it, will attempt to kick-start things by featuring their candidate in a series of appearances on milk cartons. In a moment of definition in, of all places, Santa Ana, a motorcycle cop stops traffic at the intersection of the 17th and Main to make way for a motorcade. Seeing this, a man wonders why traffic is being stopped, then speculates, "Hey, maybe it's John Kerry!" To which an unimpressed woman replies, "If it is, he's in a hearse." Must be Kerry!
Tuesday May 11 Lunch today: cinnamon-glazed French toast and sausage patties.