Eight Days

Thurs/March 18 Stephen Hodges, who plays drums for famous people like Tom Waits and stuff, once promised that he'd play drums for my band, Miss Ruby Ridge and Her Straight-Shootin' G-Men. Then he said he thought I was just kidding, and he didn't have time for my shit. So I think you shouldn't go see Hodgies Big Drum, featuring him and the mysterious Ladawn. Apparently, he's got time for her. Whatever, Stephen Hodges. (Also? Once, my homegirl Arrissia went up to him in Austin, Texas, to explain that I'd smashed my cell phone into a million sad little shards and to get a hold of me that week, he could call her cell phone and leave a message. He and his hangers-on stared at her, uncomprehending, until Hodges finally said, "I'm Stephen Perkins" to everyone's titters, while Arrissia died of shame.) They're playing with Afro Beat Down. 9 p.m. $5. 21+. Que Sera, 1923 E. Seventh St., Long Beach, (562) 599-6170; www.thequesera.com.

Fri When world-famous performance artist Tim Miller starts hamming it up about his honey-baked ham, you'll be forgiven for rolling your eyes till you aneurysm. But from bombastic beginnings comes Miller's inspiring, goofy stories of young love denied and affirmed. You'll laugh your ass off, then race home to pork. His new one, Us, jumps feet-first into the swirling shit of the newest culture wars. 8 p.m. $20. Reservations recommended. Laguna Art Museum, 307 Cliff Dr., Laguna Beach, (949) 494-8971, ext. 200. SatThis makes me happy: DJ Mat spins for the Old Skool Hip-Hop Dance Partyat the community center that's half-Ani DiFranco DIY, half-Dorothy Day, half-Tom Morello, half-Frida Kahlo, half-Cesar Chavez. 6-11:30 p.m. And it's all-ages! I'm totally taking my kid and letting him drink all the soda he wants till he goes loco! Suggested $5 donation. Centro Cultural de Mexico, 1522 S. Main St., Santa Ana; overthecounterintelligence@hotmail.com. Sun We suspect the Liquid Brunch with The George Fryer Combo is just an excuse to get me drunk. Whatever. I'll take it—especially with Fryer lilting that lilty love pop. Also? There's pancakes! Go and shout at him, "Do that song, Fryer! Do that song!" He'll know which one, but if he doesn't? Tell him it's the one about sexy porking. 1 p.m. 21+. J. King Neptune's, 17115 Pacific Coast Hwy., Sunset Beach, (562) 592-4878. Mon When I was 18 and went to college, I put Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?" on my answering machine, like this: "If you want my body and you think I'm sexy, come on, baby, let me know. Beeeeep!" My dad kept leaving dry messages that said, "Rebecca, it's your father. I think your answering-machine message isn't as funny as you think it is." Oh, but it was! Was Stewart's disco silly? Yes—but fun. (Beat the hell out of "Maggie Mae," anyway.) Now Rod Stewart has delivered that smegmatic album of limp "standards," and it's a toss-up who's worse between him and Sting. 8 p.m. $49.75-$95.25. All ages. Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 704-2400; www.arrowheadpond.com. Tues Jesus, Mikhail Gorbachevis sexy! Do you think he's sexy? No, seriously. For reals. Sexy, sexy man saving the world from Reagan's dementia. Remember Reykjavik? Well, I do. We were so freakin' close to nuclear disarmament, and then we all could have thrown away our "One Nuclear Bomb Can Ruin Your Whole Day" bumper stickers. (I wore my bumper sticker on my bike basket.) Watch him speak on The Road to a Sustainable Environment and a Safer World and accept the inaugural UC Irvine Citizen Peacebuilding Award. I am going to go and throw my panties. 7 p.m. Call for price. Irvine Barclay Theatre, 4242 Campus Dr., Irvine, (949) 854-4646. Wed Seriously? Disney on Ice is rad. Every year, the nice publicist ladies send me tickets/bribes, and every year, my son (a metrosexual) and I have a blast. This time, the gay dudes, Europeans and minor-league hockey players—and the lovely ladies who tolerate them—are doing their axels and flipdaddles to Jungle Adventures on Ice, a frothy frappe of The Jungle Book, Tarzan and The Lion King. Only problem? "You'll Be in My Heart." I'd rather be in a Stewart and Sting phlegm-crooning sandwich than sit through one more of these goddamn Phil CollinsDisney ballads. Mitigating factor: at least it's not Elton John. Wait a minute; I spoke too soon. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Ew. And "Circle of Life"? Bloooorch! 11 a.m. & 7:30 p.m. $10-$50. Arrowhead Pond, 2695 E. Katella Ave., Anaheim, (714) 740-2000; www.arrowheadpond.com. Thurs/March 25 Are you a mom in a minivan? Detroit Bar, having hosted Stereolab, Elliot Smith, The Jon Spencer Blues Explosionand the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, now brings to their plush Costa Mesa digs Modest Mouse!Supposedly, tickets are available at the door, and if you think you're gonna score one, we have just one more question for you: Do you enjoy standing in Russian bread lines? They play with Helio Sequence and Triumph of Lethargy. Do yourself a favor and call ahead. 9 p.m. $15. 21+. Detroit Bar, 843 W. 19th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 642-0600. Rebecca Schoenkopf
 
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