Car Show

Illustration by Bob AulAfter a hard, long day at work, I'm finally inching my way down the 55 freeway toward home, when you move your car in front of mine. No, that's not accurate because for you to move your car in front of mine would imply that you were trying to fill the same lane as me. What happened was I was trying to merge into the lane that half of your car was occupying so I could catch the fast-approaching connector to the 405. But you were half straddling that lane, half straddling the lane I was trying to change out of and moving much slower than the flow of traffic. The reason for this inattentive maneuvering became apparent when—after braking hard to avoid buying the back end of your Accord—I saw a glow emanating from the inside windshield, just above and to the right of your steering wheel. Ohmyfuckinggod, is that a TV screen? You're alone in your car, trying to watch a King of Queens rerun, merge on (or off, it's still a mystery) a freeway and keep up with rush-hour traffic all at the same time!?! That's not multitasking. That's multi-being-a-dick. Everyone screams about cell-phone calls and fast-food consumption behind the wheel, but having eyes that should be glued to the road glued to a television screen has got to be more hazardous. I've never understood the need for a television monitor in a car or van or, yes, even RV anyway. Sure, it keeps otherwise-screaming kids occupied on long trips, but jeez, can't this tube-addicted populace come up with other ways to occupy their ride time? Here's an idea: enjoy the freaking ride! Your 430-inch, high-definition, plasma-screen TV will still be home when you get there. And speaking as someone who has to drive behind you assholes, I'd like a chance to get home myself—in one piece, thank you very much.

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