My Liev as a dog

Eight Days Thurs/Feb 26: Poetry, music, art . . . you guys should go to Underground Poets & Musicians before the ladies who run Misfit #9 Gallery get bored or overworked and stop holding it without notice. It's hosted by petite South American spitfire Sylvia Volcan, who'll probably read you some erotic poetry of her own . . . if you can stand the heat!Sign up, 9:30 p.m. Misfit #9 Gallery, Santora Arts Bldg., 207 N. Broadway, Ste. B-8, Santa Ana, (714) 972-1447. Fri: Have a drink, get behind the wheel, and head out to SnoopTown for a smorgasbord of delightful musical offerings featuring . . . you! First, go to Alex's for New Wave Karaoke and get in touch with your inner Human Leaguer. Then have another drink and get back behind the wheel (again!) and drive the one-point-something mile to DiPiazza to see The Ziggens! The dreamy band of brothers (they're way less old and fat and post-traumatic-stress-disordered than John Kerry's band of brothers) used to actually feature Republican Assemblyman Ken Maddox! How crazy is that? Of course, since we broke the story of Maddox's rock & roll past, some right-wing Internet dick sent out an e-mail blasting Maddox for making a joke about getting dogs drunk, which was a joke. It was actually funny, too. Dicks. 9 p.m. 21+. Alex's Bar, 2913 E. Anaheim Blvd., Long Beach, (562) 434-8292. Free; DiPiazza, 5205 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach, (562) 498-2461; Call for cover. Sat: In a toss-up between the breasts popping out at Mardi Gras at Huntington Beach's Old World Village and the breasts of Miss Candye Kane playing the piano at Renaissance Dana Point, we'll go with Candye any night of the week. First, her breasts won't try to entice you into buying shots of Jägermeister. (We once saw two shameless Jäger girls try to get a mentally challenged guy to spend all his money on Jäger shots for them. We wanted to punch them in the throat.) Second, that wasn't a dangling modifier: it's actually her breasts that play the piano, not the other way around. 8:30 p.m. 21+. Renaissance Dana Point, 24701 Del Prado Ave., Dana Point, (949) 661-6003. Sun: So Live Magazine's Martin Brown was in the office a few weeks ago, and I made the mistake of asking him what was new in a friendly, nice-to-see-you-Martin-Brown! manner. Next thing you know, I had promised to attend the Orange County Music Awards "Best High School Band" finals, featuring Point Blank, Joke's on You, Deidre Hughes, Beyond Conception and Stulpigeon. Do you see now why I hate me? However! Brown swears that one of the bands at least is absolutely outrageously great and I will be swept away in a flood of my own lust. Or something. Also? Last year's best high school band winners were absolutely darling, honestly, and we were terribly impressed, except then they started playing music. 1 p.m. $10. All ages. Galaxy Concert Theatre, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600;

Mo Mon: I love the White Stripes. I really, really love the White Stripes. I am embarrassed to say how much I love the White Stripes, as it's not terribly original to love the White Stripes and lots of people's moms love the White Stripes, and not only am I a mom who loves the White Stripes, but I also originally bought the album for my nine-year-old son, who also loves the White Stripes, although maybe not as much as I love the White Stripes. But according to our Calendar listings, The Dots "give you something a little White Stripes-y with some piano thrown in." I guess I can't really resist that, huh? 9 p.m. Kitsch Bar, 891 Baker St., Costa Mesa, (714) 546-8580.

Tues: Is there anyone who didn't find Mikhail Baryshnikov's character on Sex & the Cityhorribly humorless, pompous and cold? Did you know he used to be a ballerina? Okay, back to Sex & the City: the first time you saw him on there, didn't you think, "That guy looks kind of like Mikhail Baryshnikov?" So you were gathering up your interest, but then within four seconds, you realized he was horribly humorless, pompous and cold? In a bad way? And then you realized that you just don't care about Carrie's love life anymore, and you wished you could see more of Miranda becoming a human being and Samantha letting herself be loved? Weren't those scenes touching? Are we done with that yet? I think, oui! Now Baryshnikov gives us an evening of the Dance: Mikhail Baryshnikov, Solos with Piano or Not. Enjoy an evening of music and dance, featuring Mikhail Baryshnikovand pianist Pedja Muzijevic. The program comprises new works from choreographers including Lucinda Childs, Michael Clark, Eliot Feld, Cesc Gelabert, Ruth Davidson Hahn and Tere O'Connor. Dude may be sexy and 70, but why did he have to be such a manic-depressive manipulative bastard ruining Carrie's party like that? Oh, yeah, and now Big is gonna be Happily Ever After? Tell it to Candace Bushnell. What is wrong with men? And Candace Bushnell? 8 p.m. $30-$100. UCLA, Freud Playhouse, 752 Charles E. Young Dr. S., Westwood, Los Angeles, (310) 825-2101. Wed: How bad do you suppose Marijuana: The Bandis? Couldn't be as bad as the current season of Law & Order,which is pretty much your only other entertainment option this fine Wednesday eve. Remember when Chris Noth was sexy? When was that? Season two? Step away from the television, and head to the charmingly squatterish Liquid Den and hoist a microbrew with the hip, aging punks. 9 p.m. $5-$7. 21+. 5061 Warner Ave., Huntington Beach, (714) 377-7964; Thurs/March 4: Guest speaker and OC District Attorney Tony Rackauckas helps Investigators Put Spotlight on Identity Theft Crimes. Back when I used to work 50 hours per week, I used to have a nanny for my son—yes, Barbara Ehrenreich, I know I'm an enemy of the people!—until the aforementioned nanny went on a nationwide spree of Me-Impostorness. I mean, I fired her once I realized she was getting fake Codeinescrips because drug addicts are not generally the fine people you want caring for your buttercup of a toddler son. Then I realized she'd already been using my identity and my credit card. And then she went on the nationwide spree. I hate that nanny! Still, I probably hate Tony Rackauckas more. Hmmm. Yes. Yes, I do. And unlike Mikhail Baryshnikov, he's not even fictional! 7 p.m. UC Irvine, Crystal Cove Auditorium, Campus & W. Peltason drs., Irvine, (949) 824-7181.
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