By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Bill Hicks Speaks From the Grave
Feb. 26 marks the 10th anniversary of the death of Bay Area comedian Bill Hicks, who came up with the best description of his own act: "Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes." "Rant revivals" to mark his passing are being staged around the world, the closest to us being in San Diego. For participating comics in need of material—or locals who can't make the drive but need a fix—we offer the following Hicks shtick:
•"What do atheists scream when they come?"
•"Childbirth is . . . no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out of your ass."
•"The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel, isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance, too?"
•"Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See, a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight. 'Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now.' A woman one night yelled out, 'Yeah, you ever try it?' I said, 'Yeah. Almost broke my back.' It's that one vertebrae—I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going, 'Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child.' That may be true, but, guys, you know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight: guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage."
•"And on the seventh day, God stepped back and said, 'There is my creation, perfect and holy in all ways. . . . Oh, damn it, I left pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it. Now I have to create Republicans.'"
•"I'm tired of this back-slapping 'Isn't humanity neat?' bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are."