In Defense of Gay Marriage

So just shut up and buy Adam and Steve a nice present already

But what about the Bible? Oh, you mean the part where Jesus chased the gays from the temple with a stick? Hold on, I read that wrong: it was the money changers Jesus was after, suggesting that today he'd be whacking heads on Wall Street not Christopher Street. But what about the time he berated the mob of gay people? Oops, sorry, it wasn't gays; it was a mob of judgmental zealots that he told off, remember, when he admonished that only he who was without sin should cast the first stone.

Unlike the fearmongering preachers spewing bile on the airwaves today, Jesus said a lot about love and acceptance, but he never uttered a single syllable about homosexuality. Ah, but he did give a blanket affirmation of Old Testament law, where a man laying with a man is an abomination punishable by death. But that exists alongside so many other abominations and admonitions that there aren't enough goats to sacrifice to keep every one of us sinners from being put to death. There are bans on premarital sex, adultery, lust, sleeping with a woman during her period, eating three-day-old meat, eating shellfish and, let's not forget, "You shall not round off the hair on your temples or mar the edges of your beard." Forgot about that one, didn't you? Ha-ha, you're going to Hell. So why not take a tip from Jesus and put your own house in order before you go tearing down your neighbor's?


But what about the children?

What about them? If you're worried about gay parents molesting their children, bear in mind that most molestations, even same-sex ones, are done by heterosexual adults. And when parents go bonkers and set their kids on fire or starve them in basements, it's usually because "God" told them to, not Mr. Blackwell. Sure there are gay monsters, but probably in no greater percentage than there are among straight families. And stable gay couples could adopt some of the unwanted children born to the unfit parents of more sanctified marriages.

But won't having gay parents cause children to turn gay? Sure, just look at the gay offspring of Dick Cheney, Sonny Bono and Phyllis Schlafly. Gay. Gay. Gay.

But what would gay marriage do to American values?

You may have a point there. Look at Canada, where gay marriage has turned them into such a nation of faggots that they couldn't even see the clear and imminent danger posed by Iraq. They've gone soft loading up on universal medical care and cheap prescription drugs, while we're left holding the line against Saddam and sodomites alike.

Repeat after me, with gusto this time: "Gays getting married does not affect me."

Please keep that in mind in the months ahead because the American Taliban ensconced in the White House will be doing all they can to bang the anti-gay drum, to distract from issues that do affect you, like: your job going bye-bye overseas; your decline in real wages; the health-insurance crisis; the deficit that will hobble your children's future; the children left behind by No Child Left Behind; the willful dismantling of environmental protections; the subjugation of our energy policy to corporate interests; the unbridled corruption of White House cronies like Enron and Halliburton; the runaway military budget; the abrogation of our civil rights; the lies told to us to fabricate an unnecessary war costing hundreds of American lives and billions of dollars, with no end in sight. You know, issues like those, the kind grown-ups talk about while the kids and feebleminded are out obsessing over their neighbors' wee-wees.

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