By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Assemblyman Lou Correa(D-Santa Ana) on Feb. 2 asks the Assembly Rules Committee to investigate dozens of mysterious e-mails that originated from his office, including some that were sent from the computer of his chief of staff, Chris Leo. Earlier postings to a chat room called SantaAnaCitizens lauded Correa and besmirched his rivals. When it was revealed the posters used fake names and that the messages originated from Correa's office, the assemblyman asked for—and received—junior aide Douglas Vogel's resignation. Well, that's what Correa says; Vogel tells The Orange County Register he quit to return to school. Among those the posters attacked were Santa Ana City Councilman Brett Franklinand Garden Grove Mayor Bruce Broadwater, who are running against Correa for a seat on the Orange County Board of Supervisors. Those Assembly investigators may want to check out the e-mail exploits of another ex-staffer, Bill Orton, who used his office computer to essentially gay-bait Weekly investigations editor R. Scott Moxley(which he recounted in the web exclusive "Anti-Smart," Nov. 7, 2003).HORS D'OEUVRES FOR ALL The San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station's 1.7 million-gallon-per-minute ocean-water cooling system on Feb. 2-3 sucks up thousands of sardines that are promptly chopped to bits in its razor-sharp turbines. Rough seas stranded the fishies close to shore. On the bright side, the 13,590 pounds of diced sardines do not go to waste thanks to a big rig jackknifing on the 5 freeway in front of the plant and spilling its load of saltine crackers. THE UNREAL WORLD The quick flash of Janet Jackson's boob costs Laguna Beach High Schoolan MTV reality show that was going to follow a half-dozen students. The school board holds an emergency meeting on Feb. 4 to nix a previously approved deal with the music network. "Last week, it didn't seem like the contract was counter to the district's mission, which is the education of the students," explains board member Kathryn Turner. But after the Super Bowl stunt, "This week, it does." In response to that draconian action, Jack Osbourneofficially withdraws from the race for ASB president. RINGS AND THINGS Snowboarding champ Tara Dakidesof Laguna Niguel suffers minor injuries on Feb. 5 after veering off a ramp, flying 25 feet and landing on the hard ice next to the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York, where she performs jumps for CBS' Late Show With David Letterman. To his credit, Letterman cancels the rest of the taping and sees the 30-year-old to the hospital. He's also keen to schedule a return appearance for her on his Feb. 9 show. The next morning's Howard Stern Radio Show, which is taped a short distance away in midtown Manhattan, features an appearance by 21-year-old porn actress "Taylor"of Huntington Beach. She serves as the target for a game called Anal Ring Toss, which has her down on all fours with a stick coming out of her ass, which the show's regulars toss rings at. Artie Langeproves to be the Lord of the Anal Ring Toss, which will no doubt bring the show a Peabody Award. JET BLUES In our sick fantasies, Tara Dakides sat next to Taylor on the flight from John Wayne to New York. TAYLOR:So, what's bringing you to New York?TARA: I'm a snowboarder who's going to do some jumps on Letterman.TAYLOR: Wow, that sounds dangerous.TARA:Not at all. We have it down to a science. There's no way I could, say, veer off a ramp, fly 25 feet and land on the hard ice next to the Ed Sullivan Theater. But enough about me. Why are you going to the Big Apple?TAYLOR: Funny you should ask. I'm going onStern so they can play Anal Ring Toss with me. I understand we're up for a Peabody.TARA:That's . . . um . . . interesting. You know, I'm no expert, but I bet you'd find this flight much more comfortable if you took that stick out of your ass. WHERE THE WILD THINGS WON'T BE The California Wilderness Coalitionon Feb. 5 ranks Cleveland National Forestamong the state's most-threatened wild lands for the second straight year. Among the proposed projects posing threats to the natural ambiance of the forest straddling Orange, Riverside and San Diego counties: a reservoir, power lines and a ginormous, friggin' hole through the mountains for another stupid toll road. On the bright side, should we not need the hole, we can now fill it with 13,590 pounds of diced sardines. HAPPY HOUSE The City of Santa Anashows Feb. 6 it's not so callous after all by suspending efforts to shut down the Catholic Workerhomeless shelter. Of course, it became progressively easier to give in as one high-powered lawyer after another offered to represent the Worker pro bono—and we don't mean Sonnyor that U2 guy. The really bold thing for the city to do would be to make the shelter obsolete by taking over the responsibility of housing the city's homeless population. As we haven't noticed any pigspassing outside our fifth-floor window, we know that ain't happening. TALE OF THE TAPES The Los Angeles Timeson Feb. 7 editorializes that the arrival of Richard Nixon's transcripts, secret recordings and National Archivists to protect them will help diminish the Yorba Linda presidential library's standing as a joke when it comes to serious research. But the Times, who history reveals endorsed Nixon for governor and president, does end with an astute suggestion: "Lose the big poster in the lobby advertising the site as a perfect venue for weddings, auctions and proms." Now available to officiate those weddings is the library's executive director John Taylor, who has become ordained as an Episcopal priest, according to Rick Reiff's Feb. 2 OC Insider column in the Orange County Business Journal. Meanwhile, Spiro Agnewhas become a Jewish rabbi, Chuck Colsonhas renounced Christianity and gone Druid, and Pat Buchananis studying to become an ayatollah. THIS SHOULD FULFILL THE COMMUNITY-SERVICE PORTION OF OUR SENTENCE, YOUR HONOR Besides seeing what's undoubtedly another great surf flick (Rip Curl's Windows); a short documentary about New York City surfing (The Rocks); and a sneak preview of Dana Brown's new film about the Baja 1000 (Dust to Glory), there's an even better reason to go to the 7 and 9 p.m. screenings at the Mann Cinemas in Huntington Beach on Feb. 12 : money raised helps buy a new, specially designed surfboard for Bethany Hamilton, the young teen whose arm was bitten off by a shark in the waters off Kauai. For more information, call (714) 842-4338 or log onto www.BigRedProd.com. BILL OF GOODS The Jan. 30 Clockwork included an item on a Deception Dollarfeaturing Dubya's mug, but we incorrectly gave Costa Mesa resident Brenda Bradaccredit for creating the note. Turns out she was just our supplier. To get a copy of that buck or other versions, send $1 for 10 notes to: Carol Brouillet, P.O. Box 60511, Palo Alto, CA 94305. E-mail: firstname.lastname@example.org.
New Column!STEVE HARVEY: ONLY IN THE LA TIMES
Macy's ad (left): At first glance, it appears the "John" patch sewn on the crotch refers to a biblical passage, like John, Chapter 8, "The Adulteress." Actually, it's supposed to be the name of the wearer's boyfriend. But what if she has a girlfriend? Or a husband? Or all three? Or she's a ho? She'd need more patches than a NASCAR driver.
Boeing ad (right): We don't know if Ron and Nancy look that way because of a printing error, or if Boeing is hinting that it's aware of thoroughly documented evidence proving the Reagans were not of this world but actually time and space travelers who could tractor beam themselves from one reality to another. How else to explain their hair never changing colors? Beam me up, Ronnie!