Juke Making Me Crazy!

Cruising Huntington for someone to say hi to

Friday

You know who I don't like? People who owe me money. Are you one of those people? Do you even remember anymore? Go and get some help with Debtors Anonymous. Sit around jawing with other deadbeats such as yourself—it should take the sting out. 7:30 p.m. $10. Mariposa Women's Family Counseling Center, 812 Town & Country Rd., Orange, (714) 547-6494.

Then you know where you can go? OC Weekly's Burlesque party. Not only will there be world-class nudie pinup lady Dita Von Teese, but there will also totally be stuff to buy. 8 p.m. $15. 21+. Galaxy Concert Theater, 3503 S. Harbor Blvd., Santa Ana, (949) 300-2410.

Saturday

You know what I like? Shooting varmints with a shiny gun. And by varmints, of course, I mean minorities. I'm just kidding; I like minorities. But I bet a whole bunch of the people at the Crossroads of the West Gun Show will be honest-to-Allah bigots like it's your birthday. Not everybody, mind you: I'll actually be attending myself with my pal Mitch of the gay shooting group (notice, I did not hyphenate gay-shooting) Pink Pistols. Mitch, bizarrely, is married to a woman, even though he heads the Pink Pistols and his name is Mitch. 9 a.m.-5 p.m. $9; seniors, $8; children under 12, free with adult. Orange County Fair & Exposition Center, Bldgs. 10, 12 & 14, 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (801) 544-9125.

Sunday

Okay. So say you're on vacation somewhere, and you want the real nightlife. Not the Waikiki Beach tourist trap, not Fisherman's Wharf, but where the locals go. You do know the secret, don't you, in any city you're in? You ask a bartender where he goes on his night off. Bartenders and waitresses have the world's most fabulous night lives—and love lives, as they're always having sex with bartenders and waitresses. Don't you think you should horn in on that action? Get over to Pierce Street Annex, the reliably beefy club on 17th Street, for Service Industry Night while DJ Henry spins Top 40 and dance music. You can thank us later. 9 p.m. Free. 330 E. 17th St., Costa Mesa, (949) 646-8500.

Monday

I, like many young professionals, am against cancer! Unlike many young professionals, I don't even pay the donation at the mixers. I'm press, damnit! Press! But you know what all those donation-slingin' young professionals ain't doin'? This: Look Good, Feel Better. Nope, all they're doing is throwing down some money to drink and score and claiming they're doing it for charity. My ass! In this case, people are doing real benevolent work: the American Cancer Society, the National Cosmetology Associationand the Cosmetic, Toiletry and Fragrance Associationwant to teach cancer patients makeup, wig and turban tips to help with the ravages of radiation and chemotherapy treatment. Trained cosmetologists personally work with each patient to teach them beauty techniques. Young Professional ASS! Preregistration required. 10 a.m.-noon. Free. Hoag Hospital, 1 Hoag Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 261-9446.

Tuesday

Tonight might be a good night to spend with your children. No? Then by all means, smoke some crack, not paying me the money you owe me.

Wednesday

Remember back when you liked Sting? No? Remember back when I liked Sting? Good. It was up through (and including) Nothing Like the Sun, remember? And his haunting "They Dance Alone" about the mothers of the Disappeared? Now, me, having gone to Catholic school and all, I knew all about it, 'cuz our nuns were a bunch of godless commies. But "They Dance Alone" might have been the first time you heard about it. No? Okay. According to our listings, Silent Vigil for All Victims of War is modeled after the Argentinean mothers who protested the disappearance of their children by the U.S.-backed military junta in the Dirty War of the 1970s and 1980s as well as the Jerusalem-based group Women in Black, which has since spread to many other countries. Wear black clothes for this hour-long protest. 4:30 p.m. Women in Black, Laguna Woods City Hall, El Toro & Moulton, Laguna Woods; ocpeopleinblack@unite.com.

Thursday, Feb. 12

Jay Mohr is a flat-faced weasel who tells incredibly offensive jokes wherein, like, he takes offense at the fact that California's No. 1 boy's name a few years ago was José. He got all bent about it and shit. I totally hate him. But then this weird thing happened: I heard him on Kevin & Bean or somesuch, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. And that show Action? He could get all the action he wanted in Señorita CommieGirl Land, if his face wasn't so oddly flat. 8:30 & 10:30 p.m. $30. Brea Improv, 120 S. Brea Blvd., Brea, (714) 482-0700; www.improv.com. —Rebecca Schoenkopf
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