By Charles Lam
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By HG Reza
When Nadia María Davis presented her bouncing baby boy, Diego, at a Los Amigos meeting in Anaheim a couple of months ago, the Latino politicos in attendance sat hushed in shock. Not because Davis quickly regained her status as the hottest ex-school trustee everjust months after completing her pregnancy. Not because Nadia has yet to run for state Assembly in a Democrat- and Latino-heavy district where her last name and pedigree is political gold. No, everyone shut up because holding Diego alongside Nadia was Diego's papi,state Attorney General Bill Lockyer. Comparisons to Beauty and the Beast don't do justice to the most mismatched couple since . . . I mean, Lockyer has a daughter older than Davis!! Ewwww.Mitigating Factor: So she still has her looks now, but wait after the sixth kid. By then, she'll merely be pretty. Brian's rugged jaw and thuggy tattoos (he's most famously a member of the Cadillac Tramps), Jamie's waifish little slip of a figure and creamy skin (this is her first band, but no less sexy a person than John Doe has said the only thing that could make Wax Apples better is if Jamie sang lead more often instead of backup), the way they withhold themselves from each other onstage instead of tonguing like they're Mick and Keef—it's the longing that makes it that much hotter after the show. They meditate every day, they're so nice, they care about you so much, even if you only talk to them every 18 months. They've even got a kid—and demure Jamie even stays home with him. Let your housewife fantasies run free. Mitigating Factor: Brian doesn't want anyone but Jamie, his wife. Lame!OC RegisterFemale Reporters
There ain't any lookers amongst the men working at The Orange County Register—editorial writer Steven Greenhut and his goofy, gap-toothed grin are about as good as it gets. The gals, on the other hand, should advertise their own DVD on late-night cable-access. Whether it's Fountain Valley cub-scribe Blythe Bernhard and her easy smile, fashion reporter Katherine Nguyen's great ass (prominently featured in her recent article about $100 jeans), or Latina columnist-cum-spicy señorita Yvette Cabrera, these ladies are caliente. But the queen of Grand Street is easily crime writer Zaheera Wahid, a goddess so Bollywood-hot that a male Weekling once blamed her "very distracting" beauty for his failure to properly cover a council meeting. His excuse was valid. I mean, it couldn't have just been boring. Mitigating Factor: People from the Reg won't have anything to do with us. And that's the way we like it!Debbie, The Bamboo Terrace
We're not sure what sign Debbie, bargoddess of the Bamboo Terrace, is, but if we had to guess, it'd be Gemini. Whether she's pushing her latest deliciously lethal cocktail concoction or cautioning us about our fast-lane lifestyle, Debbie is equal parts rock star and wallflower and always exceedingly hot—in a cool, college R.A. sort of way. She'll listen while you confess your crush on the hottie sitting down the bar, charm you with an anecdote and a mojito, and send you on your way, confident, insouciantly pickled and smiling. Oh, and we should mention that girlfriend's got wicked smarts: Who knew that lawyers made such fine bartenders? Mitigating Factor: She's totally married. To another lawyer. And you don't fuck with power-couple types. You just don't.
Is it too much to say that Mathews is everything that is good and right and hot about this country? No, it is not. Beaten up repeatedly as a kid in Costa Mesa because he was a fat, gay punker, Mathews blossomed into something of an Adonis—tall, cut, chiseled features, great smile. A New Yorker reporter said he looks like a "male model." He turned the negatives of his youth into positive energy: as PETA's vice president in charge of campaigns, he pioneered getting mondo media attention by disrobing —often alongside hot models —to protest the wearing of fur. ("We'd have footage of animals on fur farms with eyes missing, mutilated," he tells us, "and try to get this out about the real story of what happens, and producers would say, 'This isn't the sort of thing people want to see at dinner time, but give us a call when you're going to take off your clothes again.") What's more, spend any amount of time with him, and you could find yourself with access to myriad sex icons ranging from Pam Anderson to Chrissie Hynde to Alec Baldwin to Morrissey. Mitigating Factor: Too good to be true.Sandow Birk
The Long Beach painter hasn't been getting as much press with his interpretation of The Divine Comedy as he got when he conceived the "Great War of the Californias." Still, he's busy making movies and traveling the world like he's Julian Schnabel or something, but with slightly less of the arrogance and pretension. It's not just his easy success that's sexy (knowing him, he'll probably get a goddamn MacArthur Genius grant, and we will gnash our teeth in envy). He's got a handsome, boyish face and a surfer's body, as well. Mitigating Factor: You'll be stuck home with the kids and tired, old skin; he'll be jetting off to Paris and will age like Dorian Gray.
The Orange County Business Journaltech reporter is ridiculously handsome, especially for a boring rag like the OCBJ. He's all big and blond and tan and doesn't look like the usual pencil-necked geeks who decided they wanted to become reporters after All the President's Men came out and made them think they could be cool even though they looked like Dustin Hoffman/Carl Bernstein. Come to think of it, it's a pretty apt analogy: Simons is scarily like the Robert Redford/Bob Woodward, but without the impressive gig at the important paper. Mitigating Factor: Bob Woodward is a sell-out dick.
What with the whole MILF thing having become a kinda quasi-religion—you know, like Clay Aiken—is it so unrealistic to fantasize about getting stuck in the middle with these former B-movie bombshells from back in the day when "bombshells" was a term of approbation? Well into their senior years, they are nonetheless the best-looking seniors you've ever seen and, one suspects, "active" seniors in the best and randiest sense. Sure, time waits for no man or hoochie momma, but it does give a woman a lot of experience in the ways of satisfying a man, especially when she's mamboed in the past with the likes of Elvis, Sinatra, Kissinger and Bo Belinsky. Mitigating Factor: Kittens grow up to be cats.
Photo by Mark SavageBilly ZoomThis year in hot, fanatical, born-again Christians, it's . . . Billy Zoom. Yeah, the Orange resident is old enough to be our dad, and he is aging a bit, chiefly around the eyes, but dang! The bleached pompadour, the scary grin, the spread-legged guitar solos and the eerie, near-tantric stillness. We'd take him over boring old Sting any day of the week. Also? He knows John Doe. Mitigating Factor: Billy Zoom will look in your purse and make you feel bad for any Phenalalanine in your packet of mints. Also? He's a very picky eater and only drinks Coors Light.
Those legs, that Pussy Galore skirt. The fact that for years and years, she didn't talk. What more could you ask of a woman besides a sandwich, a beer and no teeth? Oh, I don't think she has teeth either. Mitigating Factor: Sex with animals is wrong, no matter how much the Swedes are doing it.
The Wax apples' Jamie and Brian Coakley