Orange Countys Sexiest People

Andrew Simons

The Orange County Business Journaltech reporter is ridiculously handsome, especially for a boring rag like the OCBJ. He's all big and blond and tan and doesn't look like the usual pencil-necked geeks who decided they wanted to become reporters after All the President's Men came out and made them think they could be cool even though they looked like Dustin Hoffman/Carl Bernstein. Come to think of it, it's a pretty apt analogy: Simons is scarily like the Robert Redford/Bob Woodward, but without the impressive gig at the important paper. Mitigating Factor: Bob Woodward is a sell-out dick.

I dream of Jeannie
Photo by Mark Savage
Jeannie Carmen/Mamie Van Doren Sandwich

What with the whole MILF thing having become a kinda quasi-religion—you know, like Clay Aiken—is it so unrealistic to fantasize about getting stuck in the middle with these former B-movie bombshells from back in the day when "bombshells" was a term of approbation? Well into their senior years, they are nonetheless the best-looking seniors you've ever seen and, one suspects, "active" seniors in the best and randiest sense. Sure, time waits for no man or hoochie momma, but it does give a woman a lot of experience in the ways of satisfying a man, especially when she's mamboed in the past with the likes of Elvis, Sinatra, Kissinger and Bo Belinsky. Mitigating Factor: Kittens grow up to be cats.

Photo by Mark SavageBilly ZoomThis year in hot, fanatical, born-again Christians, it's . . . Billy Zoom. Yeah, the Orange resident is old enough to be our dad, and he is aging a bit, chiefly around the eyes, but dang! The bleached pompadour, the scary grin, the spread-legged guitar solos and the eerie, near-tantric stillness. We'd take him over boring old Sting any day of the week. Also? He knows John Doe. Mitigating Factor: Billy Zoom will look in your purse and make you feel bad for any Phenalalanine in your packet of mints. Also? He's a very picky eater and only drinks Coors Light.

Photo by Jack GouldMinnie Mouse

Those legs, that Pussy Galore skirt. The fact that for years and years, she didn't talk. What more could you ask of a woman besides a sandwich, a beer and no teeth? Oh, I don't think she has teeth either. Mitigating Factor: Sex with animals is wrong, no matter how much the Swedes are doing it.

Mamie, Oh Mamie!

The Wax apples' Jamie and Brian Coakley

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