Damn Right, Its Better Than Yours

Kelis "Milkshake" deconstructed

Kelis' "Milkshake" has been stuck in my head for weeks. It is a masterpiece of awfulness, so completely, weirdly bad that my mind refuses to let it go. In a sadly futile effort to purge "Milkshake" from my brain, I have dissected the lyrics line by line in hopes of making some sense of them. Assuming you've been similarly harassed by the song, we run the following analysis as a public service:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

(Err . . . okay. Presumably, Kelis is not referring to a literal milkshake. From what follows, it would seem most likely that she is singing about her breasts. So, she is saying the way she shakes her breasts draws boys from far and wide, and they all stand around in her front yard. It's a very strange concept, but we'll run with it.)

And they're like, it's better than yours

(Wait . . . better than whose? Did the boys bring their girlfriends along to stand in the yard, and these boys are comparing their girlfriends' breasts to Kelis'? That's just plain rude!)

Damn right, it's better than yours

(Kelis apparently agrees that her breast-shaking is better than the girlfriends' of the boys standing in her yard.)

I can teach you, but I have to charge

(Curiouser and curiouser. Perhaps Kelis is now telling the girls that she will instruct them in the art of breast-shakeage for a small fee. Kelis lives in a very strange world. The entire first verse now repeats, and it only becomes more confusing on the second go-round.)

I know you want it The thing that makes me What the guys go crazy for

(Kelis asserts that because her breast-shaking technique is better than the girlfriends' of the boys standing in her yard, these poor girls can never hope to sexually arouse their boyfriends the way Kelis can. Kelis is apparently kind of a bitch.)

They lose their minds The way I whine

(While most men would not put whininess high on the list of characteristics they find attractive in a woman, apparently the strange boys who gather in Kelis' yard find it irresistible.)

I think it's time

(Ummm . . . time for what? For Kelis to shake her breasts? Does it happen each day at a designated time? No wonder the boys are gathering in her yard, if they're guaranteed a show like that every day at a specified hour!)

La, la , la, la, la Warm it up

(A warm milkshake? The prospect is faintly nauseating, frankly. This would seem to confirm that Kelis is not referring to a literal milkshake. Perhaps her breasts are cold from all that time in her yard, and she is shaking them to warm them up.)

La, la , la, la, la The boys are waiting

(Apparently, it is indeed the designated hour for Kelis to do her breast-shaking show for the boys gathered in her yard. With a scene like that going on, I wonder how long it will be before some neighbor calls the cops? The first verse now repeats again, twice.)

I see you're on it You want me to teach thee Techniques that freaks these boys

(Kelis is apparently once again plugging the instructional courses she offers in breast-shaking.)

It can't be bought

(Hang on! Kelis, did you not say just a few verses ago that, for a nominal fee, you would teach these poor girls how to shake their breasts? And now you're rescinding the offer! What the hell, girl?!?)

Just know things get caught

Watch if you're smart

(Well, at least Kelis is taking the time to warn these girls about the dangers of STDs. And judging by the asshole boyfriends they've apparently hooked up with, I'd say it's a very real possibility they could contract some scary diseases.)

La, la , la, la, la Warm it up La, la , la, la, la The boys are waiting

(Know what, Kelis? You are just plain not nice, and the girlfriends of the terrible boys in your yard are going to need some serious counseling.)

 
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