EIGHT DAYS

Thursday, Jan. 29

You know what you should do tonight? You should go see Kevin Nealon, who, according to the Improv press release, was in Happy Gilmore. I don't know what that is. But I do know I saw Nealon years ago at Luna Park, back when I did hip and cool things like go to Luna Park. Nealon, if I recall correctly, bombed—or maybe he didn't bomb. But he was bombed. That I know for sure. He was all woozy, and I thought he might puke while we sat and chatted on the stairs. Anyhoo, even all crocked and nauseated, Nealon was still a very gentle man—the picture of warmth and unskeevy kindness. Don't like gentle affability? There's always Lewis Black, who's playing tonight at the other Improv. Kevin Nealon: Brea Improv, 120 S. Brea Blvd., Brea, (714) 482-0700; www.improv.com. Lewis Black: Irvine Improv, 71 Fortune Dr., Ste. 841, Irvine, (949) 854-5455.

Friday

Do you miss the '80s? The big hair? The tattered sweat shirts over lacy socks—in pumps? The new interactive dinner-theater murder mystery opening each weekend, and if there wasn't one, you could host your own murder mystery right out of a box? Remember Cluethe movie?!?Problem solved. Head on over to My Big Scary Valentine Wedding, centering on the wedding of a "British" nobleman and his Goth-slut bride. Catch a murderer! Solve a 400-year-old family curse! When I took my son to this, not one person guessed the murderer. It was Colonel Mustard, of course. 7 p.m. $38.15, plus gratuity. Dinner included. A Modo Mio Italian Ristorante, Long Beach Market Place, 6521 E. Pacific Coast Hwy., Long Beach, (562) 981-1916; www.playmysteryforme.com.

Saturday Crystal Meth Anonymous. Do you live in Fontana? Got a kitchen for your farm? Well, stop it right now: nobody likes a cracker! Put down the eight-ball, eat a sandwich, and come on down for some warmth 'n' fellowship with people who are not doing meth. You'll feel better, smell better, and be much less likely to kill your own children. 5 p.m. Fountain Valley Alano Club, 16581 Brookhurst St., Fountain Valley, (213) 488-4455; www.crystalmeth.org. Sunday

We couldn't care any less about a Panthers/Patriotsmatchup if it was the Rams playing the other Rams. However. It's still the Super Bowl, and at least we won't be watching the Raiders partial-birth-abort themselves again. So whip up some guacamole and then whip your wife to celebrate National Spousal Abuse and Pizza Delivery Day. Insist on driving? Then we recommend ESPN Zone, where you will not be able to get a table. But let's say, for argument's sake, that you do: then the cut-ups from ESPN will host Q&A sessions where you can ask stupid questions (there's no such thing as a stupid question . . . there are just stupid people). And they've got very fancy TVs. 2 p.m. $35 food and beverage minimum. Downtown Disney, 1545 S. Disneyland Dr., Anaheim, (714) 300-3776.

Monday David Kinwald's tribute to Sinatra. We've yet to see this guy, but everybody's all, "Ooooh, have you seen the Sinatra guy?" and we're all, "No," and they're all, "Oooh, you totally should," so that's good enough for us. It's a Monday, for God's sake! You're lucky we didn't tell you to stay home and read a book! Just be sure to ask the price before you order a steak. 6 p.m. Free. 21+. La Cave, 1695 Irvine Ave., Costa Mesa, (949) 646-7944. Tuesday

"Positron Tomograph—The Brain Machine": professor Zang-Hee Cho focuses on the development and applications of Positron Emission Tomography, a revolutionary brain-imaging technique that will enable the Pre-Crime Unit to read your intentions while they're still just a murderous twinkle in Daddy's eye. What ever happened to free will???7 p.m. UC Irvine, University Club, Campus & W. Peltason drs., Irvine, (949) 824-2511.

Wednesday BC Space Gallery and the Laguna Peace Vigil get jiggy with an evening of art, humor and a bunch of goddamn pinkos, all to kick off the 2004 Wheels of Justice Tour, a national campaign sponsored by Voices in the Wilderness, the Middle East Children's Alliance and the Palestine Right to Return Coalition. Along with eye-witness accounts from Iraq and Palestine, political satirist Dave Lippman offers some reflections on the current state of world affairs. The "colorfully decorated school bus"—read: goddamn hippie wagon—in which the group will travel will also be on display in front of the gallery, complete with presentations on issues of water use, sustainable energy concepts and other alternatives to the current misuse of our planet's resources. Concurrent with this event will be the final days of the Sunsets for Solstice Saturnalia exhibition in the gallery. Also concurrent with this event will be a presentation on "The Lentil: The Loneliest Bean" and "Rock Deodorant: Keep giving it to your kids for Christmukkahzaa until they start at least pretending to use it just to shut you up. Yes. They know. Nobody likes getting Alzheimer's from their deodorant." 6:30-9 p.m. A $5 donation is requested but not mandatory. Seating is limited to the first 100 arrivals. BC Space Gallery, 235 Forest Ave., Laguna Beach, (949) 497-1880; bcspace@mol.net. Thursday, Feb. 5 Varekai, Cirque du Soleil's newest creation, introduces "an extraordinary world deep within a forest at the summit of a volcano" at the bottom of the ocean, on another planet, in deep space. Where no one will hear you scream! Tues.-Wed., 8 p.m.; Thurs.-Sat., 4 & 8 p.m.; Sun., 1 & 5 p.m. Through Feb. 29. $60-$80; students/seniors, $54-$72; children 2-12, $42-$56. OC Fair and Expo Center under the blue & yellow Grand Chapiteau, 88 Fair Dr., Costa Mesa, (800) 450-1480; www.cirquedusoleil.com.
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