By Dave Barton
By LP Hastings
By Sarah Bennett
By LP Hastings
By Jena Ardell
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
By Joel Beers
Illustration by Bob AulIs KFI-AM 640's burial of the popular Coast to Coast in a dead-end time slot another vast right-wing conspiracy? After all, the station does pollute Southern California's airwaves with Bill "I Hate Immigrants" Handel, "We Hate Car Taxers" John and Ken, Matt "I Hate Liberals" Drudge, Dr. Laura "I Hate Fags and Women—Mostly Women" Schlessinger and "Dude, Right Now I've Got Such a Head" Rush Limbaugh.
However, there could be a more ominous explanation: the vast United States government conspiracy that has kept average Americans from knowing the truth about Sasquatch, Roswell, Area 51, alien abductions, anal probes and the fact that all earthlings come from Martian DNA seeded on our planet by saucer-flying aliens.
It's common knowledge that for years, our government has been covering up the Alien Invasion. No, not the alien invasion from Mexico that all the other KFI hosts harp about, but the far more sinister alien invasion from outer space. The devious plan to colonize planet Earth has no greater enemy than Coast to Coasthost Art Bell and trusted sidekick George Noory. For nine of the past 10 years, Coast to Coast has originated from Bell's solar-powered, radio antennae-enhanced home in Pahrump, Nevada, and been beamed live into local homes from 10 p.m. to 2 a.m. via KFI. Bell has interviewed former top-secret government agents who've seen flying saucers up close in hangars at Area 51, psychics bearing messages from distant galaxies, and remote viewers with predictions of the exact date of Planet X's re-entry into Earth's orbit.
A year ago, Bell, suffering from a bad back brought on by years of sitting in a chair talking about little green men, retired and was replaced by Noory. Bell—his back apparently better—recently returned to the Coast to Coast anchor chair on weekends, with Noory hosting five nights a week from LA. But KFI officials announced on Jan. 12 that they were delaying Noory's broadcasts until 1 a.m. In the show's old, more advantageous time slot is . . . drumroll, please . . . yet another right-wing wacko! John Ziegler celebrated his first obnoxious night on the air by insulting Noory's listeners, accusing them of being obsessed with "alien anal probes."
And so, the cover-up continues, as listeners will be deprived of the type of shocking exposés Coast to Coastis famous for. Among them: the Montana farmer who found a deep hole in his back yard and realized it went to the center of the Earth, thus proving the Earth is hollow and that space aliens inhabit the hollow Earth. And let's not forget perennial guest and Mars expert Richard Hoagland, who provides listeners with fascinating evidence that blurry satellite images of the Martian landscape actually reveal industrial complexes long since abandoned when the Martians fled Mars for the interior of our hollow planet.
Sore back and all, Bell is standing up for pal and fellow alien-conspiracy exposer Noory, even threatening to pull his weekend show from KFI if they don't treat his sidekick with the dignity he deserves. Bell claims to have received 2,000 e-mails complaining about KFI's decision. Meanwhile, Ziegler has moved on to far more pressing and rarely discussed topics than space aliens: the Scott Peterson trial, Michael "Wacko Jacko" Jackson and, of course, the most dangerous vast conspiracy of them all—the liberal media.