Mars Barred

Howzabout we send Campbell, Laila Sultan, Barbara Lichman, Dubya and Pancho Villa's head on that first Mars mission?

Theo Douglas contributed to this week's report.

New Column!

Fun With State-Mandated Bibles in Classrooms

Huntington Beach attorney Matt McLaughlin is collecting signatures to qualify a state ballot initiative that would put Bibles in public classrooms. A lot of you God-haters are whining about some supposed separation of church and state, about how schools should worry more about teaching kids to read See Dick Run before amping up to holy scripture, about all these kids as young as nine going to chiropractors with back problems due to all the heavy books they're forced to carry in their backpacks now. Well, we say, "SHUT YOUR GODDAMN PIE HOLE, BEELZEBUB!" Considering the state of our schools, Mr. McLaughlin's idea is tremendous, especially when you consider these alternative uses for Bibles:

•The Good Book's great for fixing a wobbly desk.

• Avoid owies on hard playgrounds by attaching Bibles to your knees and elbows with rubber bands.

•Balance The Word on your head as you navigate the halls to develop good posture.

•Paste eating is a huge problem in today's schools, especially in the lower grades. But did you know that when paste, saliva and a page torn out of a Bible mix in your mouth, a chemical reaction occurs to create a tasty wafer? Sure, the Catholics stumbled upon this years ago. It's Body of Christ-errific!!!

•Shred biblical pages to make a soft bedding for the caged hamsters—then meticulously dissect them.

•Did somebody say, "Fourth period spitwad fight!"?

•The restroom's out of toilet paper again? No worries.

•Take a yellow marker and highlight all the contradictions you can find—such as "He is a God of war" (Exodus 15:3) and "He is not a God of confusion but of peace" (1 Corinthians 14:33); or "God does repent" (Genesis 6:6) and "God does not repent" (Numbers 23:19) and "God does repent" (I Samuel 15:11,35); or "God admitted He is the cause of blindness, deafness, dumbness" (Exodus 4:11) and "God does not willingly cause grief or affliction" (Lamentations 3:33)—to prove to your science teacher that you do, too, pay attention.

•Hey, junior-high girlie: Looking for something to stuff in your bra? No worries.

•Ditto for bulge-deficient dudes.

•Upper-grade kids can use Bible pages to roll their own . . . if you cats are hip to our lingo.

•Burn Bibles to keep warm once Governor Schwarzenegger is forced to cut the heat.

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