Pussy Galore

Send that man a $2003 bill with Dubya's face on it.

New Column!

Random thoughts of a street sweeper at Disney's California Adventure

Look at all those people in line for Soarin' Over California, waiting 135 minutes to be hoisted in front of a movie screen for eight minutes. Rubes! They have no idea I'm checking each one of them out from behind these mirrored shades. Especially the chicks. Look at them watching me without knowing I'm watching them. I don't care what mom says about me being underweight, acne'd, sunken-chested and scaly elbowed—they want it. BAD! If this broom handle could talk. See how tight I'm clutching it, baby. Oh, yeah, you see how white my knuckles are. Yer a bad little girl, aren't you? You want me to walk over there, rip this white costume off and . . . OH, SHIT! A SUPERVISOR!! . . . Must . . . make it . . . appear . . . I'm . . . scraping . . . gum . . . off . . . curb. What's that, ma'am? Time for my break? Righty-o. Don't worry, ladies. I'll be back, oh, yes, I'll be back. And I'll know exactly where to find you because the line will have moved only four feet.