3. Only play all-ages venues. I know there aren't many, but the music writers at the Weekly wasted their livers as far back as the '80s, and they like to get to bed early, as evidenced by the large amount of reviews given to Chain Reaction, AAA Electra and whatever gallery the kids are setting up and playing at this week.

4. Record in your bedroom. For some reason, the idea of some kid sweating it out with a cheap four-track in his bedroom is really endearing to writers, maybe because they spend so much time writing in their bedrooms. Why max out your credit cards and go broke making your little musical statement in a real studio? There is probably already a kid in Cypress with a Fostex recorder and an Electroclash fetish who is going to nab that coveted "Locals Only" column, and there is nothing your expensive-looking, fancy-schmancy CD with the color artwork can do about it.

5. Never get old.Since you are young now, it may seem so far away, but it can happen so fast, and next thing you know, you are—as Rebecca Schoenkopf put it—"aging punks hanging around the Liquid Den." Or "sooo married," as she put it in another column. You see, rock & roll is a young man's game, and it ain't hip to be old or to be thought of as old, and if you have been kicking around well past 30 without a record deal, you are considered embarrassing at this point.

Barry Stevenson
The White Liars
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