Dear Santa: I'm so educationally handicapped that I don't know my ass from a lemon drop, but even so it looks to me like something funny is going on. See, a lot of people like me voted for Arnold Schwarzenegger for governor because he said he could save the state without cutting education or services for the handicapped, or the local services such as police and firemen that were funded by the car tax. And here he is, a month in office, and it's looking like we're the first things he's stuffing up the old bunghole. Or is that a lemon drop? I wish I could think good. He also promised to investigate himself after the election, about those women, but now he says it's time to "move on." I remember the president "moved on" from lying about the war, and from not really being elected, and from ever finding the staffer who outted the CIA agent, and from a bunch of other zany confusing stuff. Moving on really seemed to settle his hash. Am I getting this right, that moving on is good to do, like if I hit your car and you're bleeding on the dash and not looking so good, I can just "move on" and everything's okay? Is "moving on" different from "getting a move on" or "busting a move"? If there's a book, with pictures, that shows me how to move on, that's what I'd like, Santa.
—I Can't Tell You My Name Because the Nametag's Upside DownDear Upside Down: There's no such book, but looking in my crystal ball I see there's a website called www.moveon.org. Maybe it can help you to understand things.
Dear Santa: I have been good all year, if good is what you call single-handedly batting down the forces of evil while a bunch of complaining Democrats buzz around like gnats. Maybe a little more than good is what I've been, wouldn't you say? I don't see anyone else stepping up to the plate of terror-licking, freedom-building hardball. You know what I'd like for Christmas? How about a big fat thank-you? I mean, every creature living on this earth should be down on its knees thanking me for being such a stand-up guy. I'm taking names and kicking ass. I got those Shiites by the short hairs. I know what Kofi Annan had for lunch. Come to mention it, Santa, I know when you are sleeping. You'd better watch out. You better not cry. I'll lock you in Guantanamo and no one's gonna know why. I'm comin' ta town! I'm comin' ta town! You better be nice to me, or you won't get no goodies.
—GeorgeDear George: I recently traded 17 tons of black caviar for 200,000 shares of Halliburton stock, so I think we're pretty much on the same team, okay? Get off your high horse. An old Chinese proverb says, "If you get in a pissing match with Santa, you'd better like yellow snowcones." Santa's old money. His money's older than rope. So keep a civil tongue in your dang head, and keep those dividends coming.