FOR THE BENEFIT OF MRS. ROHRABACHER

Berkeley-based Americans for Safe Access (ASA) is using poignant testimony by Representative Dana Rohrabacher(R-Huntington Beach) to convince other lawmakers to defend medical-marijuana initiatives endorsed by citizens across the country. In a Dec. 16 e-mail to supporters, ASA political director Hilary McQuiesuggests that members of Congress be sent holiday cards based on their votes for a defeated bill, cosponsored by Rohrabacher, that would have defunded Drug Enforcement Agencycrackdowns on patients in states that allow medicinal cannabis. The outside of the cards, which are downloadable from www.safeaccessnow.org, show a patient and the words, "May Compassion & Health Fill Your Holidays With Joy!" There are three different messages inside. One thanks sponsors, another asks those who only supported the bill to sign on as sponsors of other pending compassionate-use legislation, and the third invites opponents of the Rohrabacher bill to reconsider their stances when it comes to those proposed laws. All three cards include this passage: "You may remember the tears of your colleague, Dana Rohrabacher, as he related the plight of his mother's painful death from cancer and his determination to make all effective medicines available to patients like her, including medical marijuana."

AND DON'T FORGET THE BROWNIES Medical Marijuana Freedom NOWactivist Rick L. Rootof Westminster forwarded the ASA's message to his mailing list along with a suggestion that season's greetings also be sent to "those who are incarcerated in federal prisons for following state law." Among those on Root's card list are fellow Orange County medical marijuana activist and OC Weekly's 1998 Man of the Year Marvin Chavez(#P28708H-3457, P.O. Box 2000, Vacaville, CA 95696-2000) and comic-turned-convict Tommy Chong (07798-068, Taft Cl, P.O. Box 7001, Unit A, #4B, Taft, CA 93268). TICKING TIME BOB Tying Dana Rohrabacher to medical-marijuana activism plays right into the hands of ex-congressman Robert K. Dornan—nicknamed SpongeBob BomberPantsby reader Brian Golden, in response to a previous Clockwork plea for new monikers for ol' B-1 Bob. Dornan—whom reader Milt Dardisof Huntington Beach calls B-1 Carpetbagger because the red-faced redhead properly represents McLean, Virginia, not Huntington Beach—recently filed papers to face Rohrabacher in the March 2004 Republican primary for the 46th congressional district seat. During the bare-knuckled campaign to come, Dornan will harp on Rohrabacher's stand on medical marijuana and ties to the Taliban—which is ironic, considering Dornan's religious fundamentalism and desire to destroy those of different viewpoints. Reader A. Secretsuggests that he be called Bob Bin Laden or Taliban Bob. Speaking of destroying, Dornan has been making cryptic references to Rohrabacher's private life, which plays into the hands of frequent Weekly contributor Paul Brennan, whose Name That Bob contribution is Bodily Fluids Bob. SET IT TO MUSIC When it came to Dornan nicknames, Brennan also toyed with Barbarossa Bob, a reference to medieval German mythology and modern German military nomenclature, and Boron Bobfor the homophobic pun and reasons involving the chemical that are too complicated to explain in real reality (see virtual reality for more). But Brennan thought along the same lines as Brian Golden for his ultimate selection—and he even penned the all-new Bob Dornan theme song: Who lives in Virginia instead of HB?

Chorus: FringeBob SquarePants!

Angry and crazy and foul-mouthed is he!

Chorus: FringeBob SquarePants!

If political nonsense be something you wish!

Chorus: FringeBob SquarePants!

His ideas flop like a waterless fish!

Chorus: FringeBob SquarePants!

Ready?

FringeBob SquarePants, FringeBob SquarePants, FringeBob SquarePants, FringeBob SquarePants!

Solo: FringeBob SquarePaaaanntttsss!!!

SHOW ME THE MONEY Money magazine announced on Dec. 16 that Orange County's own Rancho Santa Margaritais the No. 1 hottest place to live in the West with fewer than 100,000 residents. Money will be out to present the award to Rancho Santa Margarita personally once someone figures out where the hell Rancho Santa Margarita is. We know getting there generally involves use of a toll road, and it's possible that you can get there by first passing through Mission Viejo, which newly released 2003 FBI crime statisticscite as not only the safest place to live in Orange County, but the second-safest city in America in the 75,000-to-99,999-residents category. However, Mission Viejo finished 14th on Money's hottest list, which rewards communities based on how much their residents mirror Money's readership. Which can mean only one thing: Money readers are criminals. EMINENTLY QUOTABLE"Bush Shows Support for Gay-Marriage Amendment." Headline over a photo of a gay man throwing his arms up in celebration, on page 16 of the Dec. 17Orange County Register. This gives the impression that Dubya is going to practice some actual compassionate conservatism toward gay couples in committed relationships—until you read the subhead: "President for the first time suggests he would favor a constitutional ban on the unions." That's our Bush! And yourRegister! TALE OF TWO POT BUSTS So Orange County sheriff's deputies catch Assistant Sheriff Don Haidl's 18-year-old son and suspected rapist Gregory Scott Haidl and two friends with a bag of marijuana and all the younger Haidl got was a ride home (and an attempted interdepartmental cover-up). If arrested, he could have been immediately jailed for violating his bail terms, but Sheriff Mike Carona's crew says it's standard procedure to give those caught with the devil's weed a break. Yeah, just ask Marvin Chavez. Meanwhile, Maryland police on Dec. 19 catch 2000 Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore's 21-year-old son, Albert A. Gore III, and two friends with a half-smoked joint and a small amount of herb, and pop the younger Gore for possession. Guess it's who you know—and who's your daddy.
Opens in May: line forms now
THIS TOWN IS NO LONGER COMING LIKE A GHOST TOWN We've pounded Disney's California Adventurenumerous times for being a crappy excuse for a theme park, we've neener-neenered the Mouse for California Adventure's anemic attendance figures, and we've howled in laughter as The Simpsons referenced California Adventure's crappiness and emptiness in not one but two episodes. So out of fairness we're letting you know that the industry journal Amusement Business reported on Dec. 19 that California Adventure was among the rare North American theme parks that saw business spike in 2003. With a 13 percent rise in patrons—to 5.3 million for the year—California Adventure was the seventh most-visited park in the world. The jump was attributed to the addition of new attractions, including the popular Aladdin stage show—something that bodes well for Disney as it approaches CalAd's May 2004 opening of The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror, a drop-13-stories thrill ride that's supposedly based on a lost episode of Rod Serling's creepy old TV series—although it looks more like a cross between The Towering Inferno, the jetliner-infused Twin Towers of New Yorkand those torched apartments across the way in Anaheim. Speaking of fake terrors, Sept. 11 and torched things, Liyanase Fernando, the guy who participated in a 2002 video the FBI claims was a Disneyland attack hoax, killed himself on Dec. 14. Fernando poured a flammable liquid inside the car he was sitting in outside his Santa Ana trailer and then ignited it. Sadly, Disney must now deduct one from those rosy attendance figures.
 
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