Who Stole Christmas?

Grinch and bear it

I flit over to Azteca for the Linda's Doll HutChristmas reunion party—1992 anyone?—which will at least be filled with Christmas spirits, since one of the rules of the Machiavellian gift exchange is that any gift that turns out to be a bottle gets opened immediately and passed around. I get drunk on pia coladas and talk to not one but two pregnant friends. My ex-boyfriend shows up and I blubber drunkenly before leaving and then calling him four or seven times. I come home and play more Literati. Even drunk, I get four seven-letter words. I sleep like a baby. Then they capture Saddam Hussein, and all it needs to be 1983 again is a bunch of people in one-shouldered leotards and terrycloth headbands snorting pounds of coke and weknowhe'sgotchemicalweaponsbecausewe'retheoneswhosoldthemtohim. You know. To balance out the missiles for Iran.

So there I was, all set to kill myself, when I got mysteriously pulled back to 2003. Arnold Schwarzenegger had managed to find some more campaign promises he'd forgotten to break, and once again his spokesbitch Rob Stutzman tssks—again!—that anybody who reminds him of it is hung up "in the past." He's hilarious! Santa Ana Unified School District superintendent Al Mijares had sent home a letter with bromides about "not listen[ing] to anyone who would ask you to do something that is not in your child's best interest." It was a mystifying letter, until we realized he's referring to (while struggling not to mention) the statewide Latino economic boycott proposed by Nativo Lopez in protest of the repealing of SB 60. Mijares' big plan for keeping kids in school that day involves giving away a color television. Tons of kids sick-out anyway. And the Register printed a column by Rich Lowry titled "The Great American Job Machine" in which Lowry says, "It is in destroying jobs that the economy improves and makes it possible for the standard of living of all Americans to increase" and "This constant churning means that even a 'stagnant' job market is extremely dynamic." Stagnant is dynamic, and orange is the new pink!

And once again I've got a reason to live.

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