By LP Hastings
By Michael Goldstein
By R. Scott Moxley
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Matt Coker
By Nick Schou
By Bethania Palma Markus
Illustration by Bob AulRobert K. Dornanfiled nomination papers on Dec. 3 to seek the 46th Congressional District seat occupied by Rep. Dana Rohrabacher(R-Huntington Beach)—meaning that, for the first time since the "Surfing Congressman" was elected in 1988, Dana won't be the craziest candidate in the race. Some of our younger readers may not even know who Dornan is, or that "B-1 Berserk" is nuts. Way back in the Weekly's formative years, our staffers, particularly R. Scott Moxley, filled many an issue with assorted Dornan insanity, which readers at the time consumed like crack, demanding more and more. So now, with the weakest advertising weeks of the year running parallel to the primary-election season, no one is more overjoyed at Dornan's return from whatever the hell rock in Virginia he crawled back out from under than your pals at the Weekly. Clockwork's sporting wood right now at the prospect, or maybe that's a latent reaction to the date-rape pill someone slipped us at The Helm. One thing does concern us about Bob Redux—well, two things if you count his penchant for showing up unannounced at our office—is what to nickname him. Page 374 of the Official Clockwork Rule Book stipulates that Dornan's proud nickname—"B-1 Bob," after his support for B-1 Bombers—must be twisted into a sophomoric permeation each time he enters this space. We've used up B-1 Boob, B-1 Blob, B-1 Slob, B-1 Bent Over, B-1 Bubblebutt, B-1 Boobgate, B-1 Bonkers, B-1 Bore, B-1 Boopsie, B-1 Sick Cookie, B-1 Buttplug, Beaten-1 Bob, B-1 Baggage, B-1 Sicko, B-1 Bulbenik, B-1 Belch, B-1 Bunghole, B-1 Buttplay, B-1 Bootlicker and B-1 Boobyhatch. Folks, we B-1 thunk out, or maybe that's a latent reaction to the amyl nitrate someone slipped us at Lucky John's. To right this sinking enchilada, Clockwork wants readers to send new nicknames to: Name That Bob, c/o A Clockwork Orange, 151 Kalmus Drive, Suite H-10, Costa Mesa, CA 92626. Or email them to firstname.lastname@example.org.BLAST FROM THE PAST Look at what we wrote in 2001:
"In a perfect Clockwork world, Robert 'B-1 Boogerlicker' Dornanwould win back an Orange County congressional seat, Larry Agranwould be elected to the county Board of Supervisors, and Arnold Schwarzeneggerwould become the next governor of California . . . ."
Uh . . . sorry?SOMETHING'S STINKY So let's see if we've got this straight: Huntington Beachis going to lose $1.6 million that's been dedicated to neighborhood improvements after the State Board of Equalizationon Dec. 4 reduced the value of the AES power plantbecause the air and water polluter is not making as much on the electricity it produces as it did back when state regulators say AES was "gaming" the system amid the artificial energy crisis. And the county may also slash the value of its 2002-2003 assessment of the AES property, forcing Huntington Beach to fork over another $337,000 in collected taxes. Meanwhile, thanks to former Assemblyman Scott "Slime" Baugh's lobbying on behalf of AES and other powerful interests, a March 2004 initiative is poised to cut City Council representation from seven members to five. And there's this whole fiasco with the desalination plant and AES (see Nick Schou's story elsewhere in these pages). Geez, why doesn't AES just send each Huntington Beach resident a sack of burning poo? At least they'd get something out of the deal. TREE MUGGERS Newport Beachloves their cut-down trees. There were those ficuses around Balboa Pier that took their last taste of chain-saw several months ago. There are those ocean view-obstructing trees that have led neighbors to go to City Hall, the courts and midnight massacres to remove. And there's the skyscraping Christmas treethat the Irvine Co.has flatbed-trucked into Fashion Islandevery year. That evergreen always allows the city to brag about displaying the tallest Christmas tree in the country. But Newport's 115-foot fir reigned supreme for only a few days this season as a 120-foot Norway spruce was propped up in downtown Miami's Holiday Village. With Miami having boasted of having the top tree last year until Fashion Island quickly countered with one that was two feet taller, it's obvious that all this holiday cheer has transgressed into a Cold War, who's-got-the-biggest-fir race. As this thing continues spiraling upward, hopefully someone will eventually notice all those homeless families who'd love to burn timber instead of trash this time of year. IMMINENTLY QUOTABLE "The White House Christmas tree was delivered this week. It's an 18-foot-tall fir tree from Wisconsin. President Bush said just the sight of it puts him in the spirit of the season—logging season."—Jay Leno FOR MEMBERS ONLY All can't be downers in a holiday Clockwork (see page 469 of the Official Clockwork Rule Book). So we include the results of a new poll by Glamourmagazine and MensHealth.com that found that given a choice between a bigger penisand world peace, 90 percent of men chose world peace. Of course, world peace would bring a whole lot more lovin', in which case we could use that Fashion Island Christmas tree-sized schlong. THE BRADY BUNCH OF BEGGARS The Placentia City Council has been so gaga over plans to turn the city's historic Santa Fe District into a landlocked version of Corona del Mar they're already forgetting to pay the bills. Members of OnTrac, the government agency overseeing the proposed $440 million redevelopment project and the lowering of the Burlington-Santa Fe railroad tracks that bisect the city, recently asked the Orange County Transportation Authority (OCTA) for an emergency $11.8 million loan lest the project go kaput. "Without this money, the project is on hold," OnTrac member/Placentia Councilman Scott Brady told the Los Angeles Timeson Dec. 5. Why is Brady—the former mayor who has adamantly shilled for the redevelopment of historic Placentia land butting up to property he owns—seeking a government handout when he's repeatedly told community activists the project would be entirely privately financed? Turns out that Placentia, which has already dumped $10 million into the project, is now so cash-strapped and private initiative so lukewarm that the city cannot afford to fork over any more taxpayer cash. Brady's begging will be granted a hearing sometime around January by the OCTA. Meanwhile, you can learn more about the movement stopping this nonsense by calling (714) 993-CALL. Gustavo Arellano contributed to this week's report.CLOCKWORK HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDEAnother in our continuing series of holiday gift ideas. PUNK CLOTHES FOR TODDLERSStacy Pairish at (858) 774-7265 or email@example.com. $14-$32.Ma and Pa Punk have all the torn tees, thrift-store dresses and multi-zippered pants that life in a crash pad requires, but what to do when Little Johnny Rotten comes along? Stacy Pairish's Snot Nose Brats line includes tiny anarchy T-shirts, zipper-covered plaid pants and dresses adorned with red flames. Bring the little pooper's safety pins into the equation, and the possibilities are endless.
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