By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
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By Gustavo Arellano
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Photo by Jessica Calkins "Why, yes, I would love to come to the Orange County Museum of Art's party for ElleGirl, Neutrogena and The O.C.," I told Colleen, the museum's acting flack. "No, I haven't seen it. I watch Arrested Development instead. Is it good?"
Colleen didn't know either.
I've heard plenty of rational folks with good taste say they're addicted to The O.C., which purports to show our own Newport types behaving badly. But for pure trash value, can any mere television show compete with our real-life Newport Beach, glittery home of both socialite (and convicted coke ho) Tina Schafnitzand socialite (and alleged husband-beater) Tawny Kitaen?
I can't imagine how it could.
Now, I've been burned before. I waited all summer one year for Pasadena to premiere. It would be delightfully gauche, the kind of nighttime soap I'd never seen, having been too busy with Joanie Loves ChachiandIt's Your Moveto pay attention to Dallas and Dynasty. Pasadena blew, and I let The O.C. pass me by.
"There'll be a red carpet!" Colleen was saying brightly as I swam to her voice through a warm fog of Jason Bateman memories. "You'll be behind the rope line!"
I got to the museum a half hour before the party was scheduled to start Saturday night. Inside, tables were laden with Mark's usual catering extravaganzas. Outside, the paparazzi were surly. A natural hostess, I began to draw them out. Only one would bite, a squat, Bronx-accented man who darkly informed me that there were "bad apples" among the photographers—bad apples who would badmouth you to publicists, or tell you the wrong time for an event. Every time he mentioned bad apples, he looked at the one cute photographer present—a photographer who seemed to be Franch.Une pomme mal! Oui!
One of the 10 ElleGirl contest winners arrives. No one takes her picture. Jasmine Lewis arrives, from Barbershop 2 and ABC's Line of Fire, which premieres this week. She's a beautiful, slim young woman in a tight tan sweater dress. "Turn to the left!" photographers say. She turns left, fakes right and punts, as her handler, Lana, comes to the rope line and murmurs, "This is Jasmine Lewis from Barbershop 2 and ABC's Line of Fire,which premieres this week." Behind Lewis, people wait to walk down the red carpet, where their photos will not be made. Lewis turns to the ElleGirlmagazine blowup that will be her backdrop, and the royal blue panel that repeats "ElleGirl" and "Neutrogena" over and over again, like the backdrop for the president's recent visit to the Queen that said, "Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain Great Britain." How agreeable of Lewis, from Barbershop 2 and ABC's Line of Fire, which premieres this week, to brand herself so!
Lewis has two damp spots on the back of her dress, at crotch level, and it's up to one of the museum's staff to take her aside and let her know, woman to woman. Does her handler secretly hate her?
Lewis is the last "famous" person I will see, although the Seattle buzz band Pretty Girls Make Graves is here, and they are yowling and good. There are not nearly enough bars, as we spend roughly 127 minutes in line for a drink with people from LA who are offended by friendly small talk.
The tip sheet that's been distributed to the camerafolk claims both Sugar Ray's canker sore Mark McGrath and No Doubt's pretty Gwen Stefani will be gracing the museum's well-lighted halls. Mmmm, no. Probably not.
In the time I spend at the red carpet, only one person pulls it off with panache—a friend of mine who cranes his neck up as though he's looking inside for the friends he's late to meet as he speeds along the rosy path. (The friend who's standing right there doesn't count, as he says, "Nice to see you" without breaking stride for a second. He would claim later that he had thought I was stuck outside and he was afraid of being stuck outside with me, and tried to convey with his brief meaningful "Do I know you?" glance that he would come back and save me later. I'm sorry to say I no longer know him.)
Still, it was a well-done trip down a red carpet—he is, you see, too busy for the photographers, who thoughtfully let us know their presence is not for the likes of us by thoughtfully stilling their flashes and shutters when we trudge by with our heads down.Mischa Barton—The O.C.'s It Girl!—is on the cover of ElleGirl, with the cover lines claiming Barton will dish about "her flirty look, cute costars and on-set secrets!" Barton is also the new face of Neutrogena, which is sponsoring the really wonderful "Girls Night Out"exhibit at the museum. This is what we in the biz call synergy. I want to ask Barton to tell us about her flirty look, cute costars and on-set secrets, but by the time she arrives, I'm out back and three drinks in. It would have been only mildly amusing, and only to me, and hardly worth sitting out front for, on the wrong side of a rope line. Feh.