Parental Advisory

Illustration by Bob AulSo you're the new girl, and everyone hates you. You think you're cool with your purse that an eighth-grader would wear. You say you only have sex with your son's dad, but four hours into our first date I have you in my bed. We break up, and you move on to my friend who used to shoot heroin with your sister but is sober now and goes to meetings, but drinks like a fish with you every night while your kids run around in the streets. I tell my friend to stay away from you, because you're an alcoholic and will probably end up dead with a needle in your arm. How about you get sober and be a parent to your kids? And thanks for making me stay up all night watching your 9-month-old son when you disappeared and didn't come home all night. And thanks for making me stare at your ugly mug at work. I used to love this place. Get sober and quit the DRAMA.