The Thin Boo Line!

Orange Countys 31 scariest cops!

10 JOHN NELISSEN former Westminster cop
Nelissen was sued during the summer by Dorthea Cross, who claimed the then-Westminster police detective offered to reduce charges against her fiancé if she had sex with Nelissen. Nelissen lost his job; you'll lose your lunch when you read the testimony.

Nelissen: I didn't purposefully enter her anally. I was lying on top of her. It wasn't doggie-style position. . . . She was laying on her stomach. I entered her and asked her if this feels good. She said, "It's not my favorite," so I immediately stopped. She gave me a new condom, and we went back to vaginal sex.

Cross' attorney: Sir, you indicated you only pumped her one time. Sorry, I withdraw that. You only had one male thrust before you broke the threshold anally—is that correct?

Nelissen: Yes, sir.

Yummy. Because Cross had illegally videotaped the pump—er, male thrusting or threshold crossing—a judge later threw out the lawsuit and ordered Cross and her fiancé to pay Nelissen $15,000. MITIGATING FACTOR: Nelissen is now eligible to star in a remake of 21 Hump Street.

11 Unidentified Fullerton Cops
Four of Fullerton's finest were busted in April for "conduct unbecoming of an officer." Responding to a call that a woman was possibly attempting suicide, the officers arriving at her house found her in bed, apparently unconscious. According to an internal police memo obtained by the LA Times, the cops then began passing gas on her and crawling over her, mimicking a cat licking milk. Although this may sound like Standard Operating Procedure to you and me, the woman—who was actually awake the whole time—didn't see it that way. "Once we were made aware of it, we started an investigation immediately," Sergeant Ron Gillett told the Times. "I feel comfortable everything we did from an administrative standpoint was done correctly." Everything except notify animal control. MITIGATING FACTOR: In the officers' defense, they didn't shoot her.

When the 17-year-old son of Orange County assistant Sheriff Don Haidl was arrested last year for the rape of an unconscious 16-year-old girl in Newport Beach (see No. 7), Jaramillo—Sheriff Mike Carona's top aide —secretly rushed to the teenage boy and advised him not to cooperate with local police detectives. The move was almost as sleazy as Jaramillo's repeated, costly use of a county law-enforcement helicopter for personal business. MITIGATING FACTOR: Jaramillo has cast-iron huevos—he knows what we're talking about.

Costa Mesa City Councilman and Orange County Sheriff's deputy Mansoor wants to clean up his city. For starters, he'd like to get rid of the job center that provides minimum-wage job opportunities to Latinos, 37 percent of whom Mansoor claims live in other cities. Then he'd like to get rid of city-funded social programs that attract the wrong element—i.e., Latinos. Mansoor is also a member of the city's human-relations commission, but he has been criticized for posting anti-homosexual messages by the Reverend Lou Sheldon and similar cranks on a now-defunct bulletin board run by the Concerned Costa Mesa Citizens. That group's most prolific vitriol-spewer is Martin Millard, who has written articles decrying racial mixing, saying inter-ethnic marriage will produce a "slimy mass of glop" and "the Tan Man." MITIGATING FACTOR: Mansoor is Lebanese for "slimy mass of glop."

Twenty-six years after a federal judge ordered the Orange County Sheriff's Department to fix its overcrowded and filthy Men's Central Jail in Santa Ana, inmates staged a hunger strike protesting random beatings. The hunger strike came after a federal jury awarded $600,000 to an African-American inmate who claimed racist deputies working at the jail—nicknamed the "Psycho Crew"—beat him and taunted him with racist slurs. But inmates interviewed after the hunger strike say they actually had but one goal: get rid of deputy Hamidinia, the only member of the Psycho Crew still working at the jail. MITIGATING FACTOR: At least inmates don't have to deal with Mark Wersching (No. 3) . . . yet.

The preferred security choice for Arrowhead Pond concerts. So fearsome, large and obnoxious even its female guards could moonlight as NFL centers. MITIGATING FACTOR: They had to endure six hours of Reventón Super Estrella during the summer.

16 JOHN ASHCROFT, U.S. Attorney General
He's not living or working in Orange County, but this Big Brother is still watching you. Sept. 11 conveniently allowed him to take a black Sharpie to whole sections of the U.S. Constitution. After leading Christian Bible studies at Justice every morning, Ashcroft spends the rest of the day trampling over so many of your hard-won freedoms that it even spooks his brethren on the Right—in Guatemala! MITIGATING FACTOR: He's not living or working in Orange County.

17 RONALD LISTER, former Laguna Beach cop
Lister spent several years in prison for drug trafficking and claimed he helped the CIA smuggle millions of dollars worth of cocaine into the United States during the 1980s to help fund the anti-communist Nicaraguan contras. After Lister's claims became public, the CIA—and then the mainstream media—labeled Lister a liar. But back in the 1980s, the FBI investigated Lister's Newport Beach-based security firm six times—for everything from selling classified technology to possible involvement in Oliver North's illegal arms sales. Government documents show the feds were following Lister when they learned his company held meetings with Salvadoran death-squad founder Roberto D'Aubuisson and also provided security guards, training and other services to El Salvador's Ministry of Defense in the early 1980s when that country's armed forces were routinely torturing and murdering its own citizens. MITIGATING FACTOR: His current whereabouts are unknown, though he may have been the inspiration for the creepy U.S. spook in a deleted scene on DVD of Oliver Stone's Salvador.

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