By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Say, you know who will never see a jail cell? Rush Limbaugh!
Just when I thought affable, reasonable-seeming businessman Bill Campbell (he's a former Taco Bell franchisee) couldn't get any red-meatier, he brought up Antonin Scalia. "A heckler—who wanted 'under God' out of the Pledge of Allegiance—popped off in such a provocative way that Scalia said, 'What's wrong with "under God"?' and had to recuse himself!" Campbell is clearly outraged by the wily heckler's perfidy, but isn't Scalia supposed to be the Supreme Court's resident evil genius? How's he getting bested by some godless heckler? D'oh!
An old lady cited The Orange County Register's Gordon Dillow—who is not the paper's resident evil genius (that's Alan Bock!), but is the paper's resident crotchety old coot. "In Gordon Dillow's column the other day," she kvetched—or would have if WASPs could—"he said it was about time to require IDs to vote."
Bill Campbell took it and ran. "The Democrats don't want us to," he said, very, very piously. "They say it's because it discourages people from voting, but I think it's because it discourages voter fraud."
Well, you smug, slanderous bastard.
After Campbell's presentation of the new voting machines and his rightwing bona fides, I spoke with Campbell's guy, Mark Denny. (Denny, I would like to say publicly, helped me greatly with a Medi-Cal matter for my son.) "Everyone I've spoken to is worried about the fact that there's no paper print-out with the computer voting," I told him. "Would it be possible to add that?"
"Sure," he said. "It's just a matter of adding some software."
So why didn't they?
"The Secretary of State didn't require it," he said.
"But he's a Democrat, so he clearly wants more voter fraud," I reminded him. Denny put up his hands.
"I didn't say that!" he murmured.
No, but your boss just did.
In the two hours I was there, a lot was said about Reagan, Scalia, Thomas, Todd Spitzer, Gordon Dillow and the American Enterprise Institute, but little was said about Our Hero, Rush Limbaugh. Not one word was spoken about Rush's recent disgrace—about his crackhead-crazy Oxycontin-popping that gives new meaning to the name "Rush," or about Limbaugh's statement on ESPN that Donovan McNabb isn't worthy of the Eagles uniform and remains a quarterback only because he's black and, therefore, a kind of pet project of the National Football League, a gift to the liberal media, but withal a scourge on American culture.
About the drugs, the Dittoheads said nothing. About McNabb—whose name the Rushies could not bring themselves to utter—one man said sadly, defensively, "It's been proven that he is overrated, which is all Rush was trying to say."
No, that wasn't all he was trying to say. As Saturday Night Live's Tina Fey put it, Rush is the one guy who "has the guts to say what the liberal media doesn't want you to know: black people are not good at sports."
Since my new friends at the Rush fan club had too much class to try to excuse Rush's serious breach of etiquette in becoming a big, embarrassing, drug-addled loser, I had to go to my girl Annie Coulterto make some sense of it for me. Yes, here it is: Rush's addiction is Bill Clinton's fault, and by the way, did you know Ted Kennedy killed Mary Jo Kopechne?
But I won the raffle! How exciting is that? Since I couldn't stomach actually taking home The Way Things Ought to Be, I chose instead the book And the World Came This Way: Jesse Helms' Contribution to Freedom. I think me and the Rush Limbaugh Fan Club will get along just swell. We have to, since I'm its newest member. See you at the Christmas Dinner!