Best Shopping and Porn

Yeah, yeah, the Long Beach Veterans Memorial Stadium Antique Swapmeet is out of Orange County, and they charge you to get in, but damn, that's good vintage. Examples? A 1950s sport shirt in great shape for $10; an early 20th century metal medical cabinet for our bathroom at an affordable $40; a bitchen aluminum lawn chair that was on rockers for $30 (couldn't fit it in our car without some disassembly); pictures a professional photographer snapped of 1946 Mexico City at $10 apiece; a 1930s or 1940s Los Angeles Chamber of Commerce brochure with frameable pix of the city for $10 . . . we could go on. But no matter what your vintage kink, there's always killer stuff here, if you just arrive at a decent hour and maybe pick and choose a little. 'Nuff said. Conant Street & Clark Avenue, Long Beach. Third Sun. of every month. Best hours: 8-10 a.m. Admission: $5; $10 before 8 a.m.—way too much for us.

BUILD A BEAR WORKSHOP

Mariah Carey would love this place—a joint where you or, more likely, your main squeeze can go designer-build a teddy bear, dog, frog, monkey, cat or other beast. It takes at least an hour or so, and they'll help you. Pick yourself out a nice one, all smiley, not creepy, good shade of plush. Then get it little outfits—flip-flops, say, some beach shorts, a floppy hat. And stucco, as Groucho Marx would say: "Oh, how you can get stucco." There's more than 200 outfits to choose from here, so even if the bear only costs you $10-$25, which it will, there's what you might call add-ons. And you need this because . . . ? Well, of course, the chirpy woman's voice on the message machine will tell you, because you're building "your new best friend." Best friend, that is, if you're a reclusive loner who spent most of Christmas Eve at Radio Shack. Or some wallflower who writes in purple pen and still dots her i's with little hearts. Yaaargh! Fashion Island, 925 Newport Center Dr., Newport Beach, (949) 640-0865.

NAKED CHICK RIDING A CLAM MADE OUTTA ICE

They do a fair amount of ice-sculpture swans and dolphins at Crystal Creations (www.icesculpturing.com) for the catering trade—the old standbys, says manager James Ottens. But the real news is naked ice people. About the only thing Ottens says he has never sculpted is Venus on a clam. That's partially due to the recent success of something called a Nude Luge, which is similar, costs about $250, and won't necessarily get you in bad with your wife—though it might. The Nude Luge is an ice bust of a naked woman that you can pour booze through to serve your guests. You can probably guess where the booze comes out—and no, they probably won't let you drink from it before the end of the night. You can probably have a night to remember even without that, as did the hosts of a recent bridal shower. These enterprising young ladies ordered a male Nude Luge, with the booze coming out where you'd think it would come out on a man. But, when he was carving the Adonis, Ottens says, "the member fell off. I had to make another one from crushed ice (ouch) and freeze it on (ouch). When I unveiled it, everyone went, 'Wow.' And I saved the original member and gave it to them, and they put it in the punch bowl." Aaah, memories. 507 S. Agace St., Anaheim, (714) 635-7521.

GIFT SHOP WITH STUFF YOU DON'T NEED

Sanrio Gift Gate is like Target for people with a Jones for anything Japanese, particularly slightly wacky toys. It's like Target because, yes, you can drop $100 here without even breaking a sweat. But it's so fun. You got your Keropi, the frog, your Spotty Dotty, a little dog. And of course the animal that started it all: Hello Kitty! And say hello to all her assorted trinkets, which may or may not be available on a good day—backpacks, change purses, pencil boxes, erasers, stuffed toys, even small appliances. Then, particularly if your daughter's aged 4 to 18, say goodbye to your wallet. 3333 Bristol St., Costa Mesa, (714) 979-2338.

BEST SEX TOY

The prosthetic fist is Magnificent. It's like Michelangelo himself sculpted you something beautiful to stick up your ass. Prosthetic watch and wedding-ring accessories sold separately. Available countywide. And we do mean wide.

BEST SEX AID

"Vitafem amplifies orgasmic intensity."

How?

"Through carefully crafted ingredients that only the Pleasure Co. is capable of brewing."

What does it do to the women?

"It makes them come."

Is it addictive?

"We can only hope so." 17955 Sky Park Circle, Ste. C, Irvine, (949) 261-0560.

PLACE TO SET UP A KOI POND

So lazy and surly that he could practically be a Teamster, Dennis Rodman has it all over you. Body piercings, tattoos, outrageous shirts, bodacious women, practically his own beach to land a helicopter on, the Rod-Man has got it going on. Here's your chance to strike back, with maybe the hottest home accessory of late—the koi pond, with those big colorful Japanese fish that'll almost take your fingers off if you don't train them early to eat from your hand. All Rodman has is a helipad he in effect stole from the county. The folks at the Pond Shop can help you get your pond started. They sell starter pond kits at 11-feet-by-16-feet for around $1,500, which sounds like a lot, but c'mon, it's a friggin' koi pond.Plus, it'll shut your wife up about digging a swimming pool—and for $17,000 or so less. The Pond Shop folk are retailers for the largest koi-pond people in the nation, Aquascape Design of Chicago, so they pass the (relative) savings on to you. And they'll even sell you fish at anywhere from $5 to $95. Clearly, fish can be the least of the problem. Unless you're Rodman. If Rodman had koi, he'd probably overfeed 'em in a day or two 'cause they're so much fun to watch. 2568 Newport Blvd., Costa Mesa, (800) 790-4985.

VINTAGE CLOTHING
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