Best Shopping and Porn

"At the Cramps show, me and my girlfriends were walking through the Galaxy Concert Theatre parking lot, and it was like a fucking fashion show. We'd hear people clapping, 'Hey, hey, where you going?'"

Were they cute?

"We didn't look up. We're not animals—it's not like we respond to that." 2503 S. Harbor, Santa Ana, (714) 957-0600.

ARMY-NAVY SURPLUS

Guns and the underage women who can reach behind the counter and get them for you just go together, in some strange sort of third-strike way. Just writing this is probably going to get us put away for life, so don't forget us when we're gone, Inmate No. 59D35C12. And if you'd like to see our case retried, write your district attorney. Plus visit the Army Navy Store for its bountiful tent collection, more Dickies than you can shake a stick at, a plaid-shirt lineup that should be endorsed by Eric Rudolph, plus a militia member's houseful of rifles and handguns, not to mention nubile cashiers who oughta graduate high school some time next year—probably the week after we're sentenced. 131 S. Glassell St., Orange, (714) 639-7910.

PLACE TO SNAKE STUFF FROM WANNA-BE ANTIQUE DEALERS

The Goldenwest College Swapmeet is a little more low-key than its counterpart at Cypress College, where the sun has been known to cook leather jackets medium-rare. Here, too, however, are items not worth passing up—and for whatever reason, people are a little more savvy and prices may be a little higher in spots. We passed on a Millennium Falcon of '80s Star Wars vintage—we drive a Falcon, don't remind us—but you would've liked it. We also spotted vintage electric fans for decent prices (a.k.a. less than $20) at a time when they're actually fetching closer to $50 on a bad day on eBay or at your antique mall. Found a vintage '50s pair of plastic Ball salt shakers that look like either teeny rockets or Jayne Mansfield's boobs. You make the call. They were $10, a good price, and we took 'em 'cause they're rare and really cool besides. Plus, they cost more at the Vet's Stadium swap. Maybe the real score for us, though, was a July 1951 issue of Popular Mechanics showing how to build a midget race car using junkyard parts . . . and an Indian motorcycle engine. In order to help President George W. Bush pay for the war in Iraq, we'll definitely need to sell our car and build one of these. In the college parking lots along Edinger Avenue between Goldenwest and Gothard streets, Huntington Beach. Every Sat.-Sun., except major holidays. Best hours: 9 a.m.-noon. Admission: free.

BEST PLACE TO BUY PORNOGRAPHIC COMICS

Forget Archie in flagrante with Veronica (always the hotter one, by the way): porno comics are serious stuff—and a vital free-speech issue after a Texas comic vendor ran into obscenity charges when he sold an issue of Toshio Maeda's Demon Beast Invasion (ask for it by name!) to an undercover cop. Good thing California is still America, where you can proudly strut in to a comic shop and leave with a bulging brown paper bag, the contents of which may include furry comic Genus, in which giant goat-men stick it to little bunny girls; Japanese monster-sex hentai Milk, one of those naked muscle-women magazines; or the wildly popular Housewives At Play ("Incredible stories of HOT MOMS!"). Parents, calm your shit down—the kids can't get this stuff till they're 18. And erotic-art aficionados? Quit ordering off Amazon and support indie stores like 21st Century Comics and Toys—porno comics with a human face! 1531 S. Harbor Blvd., Fullerton, (714) 992-6649.

CHROME SHOP

Just walking into Sihilling Metal Polishing will probably take five years off your life, what with the chemicals and the acid dipping. There's an acrid stench here left from years of making chrome—and you don't even want to think about the guys who have to polish this stuff, after it's nickel-plated, copper-plated, then chromed. It's legal, of course, but you just know the EPA has a woody for these guys. Which is cool. After all, the drag racers always say: If it doesn't go, chrome it. And they do really, really fine chrome here, drawing hot rodders, customizers and restorers from around Southern California. Prices are a bit tall—$500 for a bumper—but with chrome, you get what you pay for. 1018 E. Chestnut Ave., Unit C, Santa Ana, (714) 543-7051.

BEST PLACE TO HAVE SEX IN PUBLIC

Tortilla Flats in Mission Viejo ("Dress: casual; security: heavy"), Fred's Cantina ("Locations to have fun: outdoor patio, parking lot on PCH or underground") in Huntington Beach, or in the parking lot by the Macy's at the Mission Viejo Mall ("Then all of a sudden, there was the rent a cop car coming with its little yellow light blaring along"), all according to . . . well, according to people who know and help make OC a more interesting place every time they visit a public restroom. Runners up: Pacific View Memorial Park Cemetery, preferably on top of John Wayne's grave, or the fifth-floor south stacks at Cal State Fullerton late any night but Thursday or Monday. You know, 'cause papers are due the next morning.

CUSTOM AUTO PAINT
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