It's a New Day, Caulifornia

So let a man get up and do the popcorn

A governor wouldn't have to do much to push us over the brink into war: maybe rename San Francisco Faghdad, or get the UN to say we're complying with whatever. The next thing you know, the U.S. could be having its easiest war ever. They could enter the state unimpeded by paying Mexico to let them invade from there, avoiding the impassable agricultural checkpoints at the Arizona and Nevada borders. Once here, they'd find that we have measurably better infrastructure than Iraq; that many in the armed forces already speak our language; and that, unlike in Islamic states, the troops will find no shortage of liquor and women. And if Bush pours money into us like he did Iraq, it's bye-bye, deficit; hello, $100 billion surplus!

Charge admission. We already are one of the world's tourist destinations, with more attractions than you can shake a hot dog on a stick at. Now that we have an action-hero governor at the helm, why not just admit what we've become and name California the world's biggest amusement park? We could charge everyone admission at the border, even the liberating U.S. forces. Our cities could be linked by giant log-flume rides. We could end unemployment by making everyone park employees, or "cast members" as they'd rather we call ourselves. With each of us working eight hours, enjoying the park for eight hours and sleeping for eight, we will have finally achieved utopia. At our borders, we could have Arnold's mug on signs reading, "Hasta la vista, Baby" and, "I'll be back. I hope you will, too." Sell more naming rights. Why stop at arenas and stadiums? Along with Edison Field, we could have Krispy Kreme State Beach, Mount Verizon, the Citibank Freeway and even Governor Orville Redenbacher Schwarzenegger. Yosemite could still be called Yosemite, but only if the Yosemite Water Co. bought the rights. Eat more cauliflower. Ask for it by name. The more practice you have saying it, the better you'll be at pronouncing our state's apparent new name: Caulifornia.
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