By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
By Charles Lam
Then we saw the District Attorminator (okay, that was stretching it) Tony Rackauckas, and we fled because he's scary even if he is pretty wee. (I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime/But is there 'cause he's a victim of the times.)
And then we saw Sheriff Mike Carona, over whom we didn't fawn overmuch because we didn't want to be like the statuesque redhead who was begging the sheriff's guy, John "Flash" Fleischman, for a private introduction, and it made her sound like a huge, huge whore. The sheriff is not running for attorney general, it seems, because it turns out you have to actually be an attorney. He is planning to run for lieutenant governor, though why he'd want such a useless position is beyond me. Glad to straighten that up for you.
We discovered that hefty Long Beach Water District dude (and friend of Snoop!) The Honorable Norm Ryanspeaks Mandarin from his days in the U.S. Army interrogatin' school, and when you're watching a big ol' white guy with a mini cheeseburger in one hand begin speaking fluent Mandarin, you might be forgiven for gawking.
Everyone seemed seriously underwhelmed by Arnold Schwarzenegger—who's also wee, except for his gigantic, oddly sized noggin. But they tried to put a pretty face on it nonetheless. I think he's crashing and burning.
And Tom McClintock is still The Devil. In fact, he's Señor The Devil. And I think he's going to win.
You heard that incredibly depressing prognostication here first.
Pithy Aphorism of the Week!
This week's pithy aphorism comes courtesy of Joel Vuolevi of Long Beach. "Democracy is like an auction. Every fourth year, someone lets you pee on your pants. It makes you feel warm for a little while, but the rest of the time, you are freezing even more."
Where we let the interns leave the office and teach them how to make it in the sweaty world of alternative journalism!
This week: Intern Heather Reger reports from South Coast Plaza!
Champagne glass in hand, Orange County designer Meghan Noland was easy to spot through the 99 [Make it "neun-und-neunzig" for the so-old-it's-new-againNina Hagen reference.—ed] hot-pink balloons floating by in Nordstrom at the fall preview fashion show. [Too many facts. Facts are dull.—ed] Best known for her lingerie-inspired clothing, Noland's fall line includes lots of bows and lace and very little actual material. A kelly-green camisole known as "The Runway Top" [moaned] out something reminiscent of [the sluts in] Top Gun: "Take me to bed or lose me forever!" Regardless, these hot, sexy little numbers are sure to be worn by celebs, rock stars and any [big sluts] who wants to ensure some action in the sack. Be forewarned: a sweater would definitely be needed if you plan to wear these little numbers in the fall [so your love-buttons won't put someone's eye out] [slut].
We would love to wear a rainbow every day.
1. Go read a newspaper, for Christ's sake!
2. No, seriously. Go read a newspaper