Diary of a Mad County

SATURDAY, August 16

Tonight I saw the greatest, stupidest thing ever at Costa Mesa's Orange County Speedway: Demolition Derby Night. Pffft, you say, a bunch of cars tangled in a chaotic mess rife with collisions, injury and leather jumpsuits—big deal, so Bristol exit off the 405. Well, putz, I went to Demolition MOTORCYCLE Derby, where grown men on motorcycles—except for the dude on the minibike—rode around toting PVC pipe trying to flatten the balloon other participants wore atop their helmets and on their bodies. They were all there: Dukie, Guy on Minibike, LAPD Officer, Dude in Jock Strap and Cape, a veritable who's-who of what-the-hell? The derby started with most of the smart money on the LAPD guy, not so much because he's a cycle cop, but because everyone figured he had plenty of experience wielding a club. But he was soon eliminated, as was jock guy and minibike guy and so many others, until Dukie was the last one standing—sitting, actually—on his bike, his groundbreaking strategy being to jettison the pipe and just ram people with his bike. How very resilient of him. Must be a New Yorker.