The OC Weekly Book Of Food Lists!

Lists have plagued mankind for millennia, from Alkazar the Irritable's "List of Head-Splitting Rocks" (now available on audio cassette) to USA Today's long-awaited list of "Hot Uses for Excess Kitchen Grease." Why do we read lists? Experts cite three reasons: 1) Piss. 2) Off. 3) An inability to come up with a rational course of action to be taken with kitchen grease. Yes, Americans love lists—though not Franz Liszt, who keel my brotha—and they especially love lists about food … Oh, yes they do. YES THEY DO! SHUT YOUR FILTHY MOUTH! WHY? HOWZA BOUT I LIST FIVE REASONS WHY AND, YES, I'M USING "LIST" AS A EUPHEMISM FOR "FIST" …

So perhaps the question is not why Americans love lists, but why Americans love food. Actually, the question is why Americans love Carrot Top. Then again, who was watching Caroline in the Cityand Dharma and Greg all those years? Am I right? 'Cause it wasn't me, never saw one episode. Like Home Improvement—couldn't tell you one thing about it except that they were brave to cast such a plain woman as the wife. Just Shoot Me? I have no idea. It's like there's this alternative universe with all this crappy TV and somebody is watching but it's not me or anybody I know, so where's your Messiah now?

And that's not the only reason we love food. Did you know that food can stave off death? True story: many living people enjoy food. Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin is a noted food eater, as are NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan and most of the people in Asia Minor. "Where do I sign up for some of that shit?" you're asking. How the hell would I know? Live your own life, flea. My point is that there is a lot of food—well, here—and there are a lot of different ways to enjoy it and one way to properly enjoy it—while staving off death—is to know where you're going and what you'll be getting there.

That's where the lists come in. Come in, lists! Look at the lists. I SAID LOOK!

You'll find lists telling you where to find faux fowl thighs and shawarma and buckwheat blinis and this little joint in Placentia that has belly dancing by the hour and maybe what you can do with that grease (I'd like to tell you what to do with it). The point is you should eat, but before you do, you should read. Then eat. Screw death.

FIVE HANGOVER HUNGER HOSPITALS