Diary of a Mad County

FRIDAY, July 11 In an age of midgets, it's nice that some politicians are willing to think big. Another Orange County state senator, Ross Johnson, is one such man as he directs his attention to a county and its pee bottles. Seems some people, when on the freeways, pee into bottles and throw them out the window. This doesn't make them bad people, of course; maybe they just drank too much beer at the Angels game and got caught in traffic coming home on the 91—I told you to take the 57, didn't I, Tim!?—and things just catch up with them. Ross says of the practice, "I concede that this isn't a pleasant thing. The people who are doing this, using soda bottles as toilets, are obviously idiots. But the Caltransfolks are even bigger idiots. It defies common sense that you couldn't handle this with a pair of rubber gloves and some goggles. It bespeaks an arrogance in the use of taxpayers' money." Ross doesn't like that Caltrans calls out haz-mat teams to take care of the containers. Of course, Caltrans workers don't know if it's pee they're picking up or Mountain Dew; and on a hot day, your plastic bottles with hot pee can explode. Ross, I know you politicians are into hot cars, hookers and denying old people a dignified death, but have you ever picked up a plastic bottle of urine on a summer day and had it explode in your face? I imagine it's no more fun than crawling through it. So, I'm sending you this pair of Playtex rubber gloves and a pair of goggles with this simple note: "Piss off!" With you on the job, the haz-mat fellows can focus on collecting the corpses off the street. (Ooooh. That was a bit Ackermanian.)

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