So, I'm reading in the July 8 Times about the special Sunday night legislative session during which our Republicans finally introduced a state budget plan that proves once and for all that no tax increases are needed to fix what ails California, and frankly, I'm impressed. This may well be the finest example of innovative social thinking since Swift's "A Modest Proposal." Abolish the Seismic Safety Commission? About time, I say. Kill the program that pays for the burial of foster children? Obviously. Withhold "the $50 a month payment to poor, blind men and women to help feed their seeing-eye dogs"? The savings there alone will soon restore fiscal sanity. It's like Assemblyman Leslie of Tahoe City says, "This is the only plan that seriously addresses wasteful spending."
Of course, my youthful/naïve/standard-pink colleagues at the Weekly grumbled about this bold vision for California. I say to them, be fair and don't reject Republican proposals out of hand. You probably think the Seismic Safety Commission is a good thing just because its "role is to protect the public from earthquake hazards." Nonsense. Let me ask you: how many earthquakes has the Seismic Safety Commission actually prevented? Precisely zero. See? Completely useless. You can't solve the problem of earthquakes by throwing money at it. Wake up and smell the free market! As former state insurance commissioner Chuck Quackenbush (a Republican!) would tell you, there's money to be made off earthquakes if you can just get cumbersome governmental regulations out of the way.
As for the unburied corpses of foster kids and starving seeing-eye dogs, only big-government-loving tax-and-spenders could fail to see the obvious answer: you grind up the corpses of the wards of the states and sell the meat—at cost—to the blind. Win-win. And before you object that there won't be enough foster child meat to go around, remember: "The Republican plan would cut all state funding for abortions." Combine that with the cuts in education, and the seeing-eye dogs of California need never miss a meal.