By Matt Coker
By R. Scott Moxley
By Charles Lam
By Nick Schou
By Gustavo Arellano
By Gustavo Arellano
By Steve Lowery
By R. Scott Moxley
MONDAY, June 30 Just a few days after the Supreme Courtruling requiring all Americans to have gay sex—that's my interpretation—and the weekend talk shows and newspaper opinion sections are rife with discussions of sodomy pro and con. To be honest, I have no idea what the pros and cons are since the discussions seemed to involve large words with linking verbs and, frankly, it disappointed me because, I mean, in my day it wasn't about the law or opinions. Man, back then, it was all about the sodomy. And that's the thing: If we're going to say everyone has to have gay sex, can't we come up with a better name? Levitikissin'? I don't know, you people are clever, you figure it out. The point is that sodomy is not only a degrading term for sex but also totally ignores the many contributions of Gomorrah—a big shout out to my depraved peeps in the GMC! … Now, one thing I did get from the discussions was that some people are afraid that legalized gay sex will lead to legalized gay marriage and then there will be more people having legalized gay married sex. Obviously these people have never been married. I mean, idiots, I don't support your narrow views, but if you want to stop gay sex, the one thing you should be pushing for hardest is gay marriage. That'll do it.
TUESDAY, July 1 Tri Thanh Lam is released from jail after accidentally shooting an arrow into the calf of Orange County sheriff's deputy Owen Hall while Hall was engaged in a nearby traffic stop. According to district attorney spokesperson/phantom Susan Schroeder, there are no laws for negligently firing arrows about. I'm not surprised: as long as the archery lobby runs Washington, this is what you'll get. Law enforcement officials are concerned that this opens up a Pandora's box of pre-Columbian-style attacks, and police are said to be on high alert for rowdy teens toting vats of oil or catapults, or just looking like they might siege. What is beyond debate is the fact that deputy Owen Hall is a man. Son of a bitch pulled the arrow from his own leg! Dude, how about huntin' us some bison with these paper clips and rubber bands? Owen Hall is the guy I want to follow into battle, you know, if the enemy is utilizing medieval projectile weaponry. . . . Lost in this incident is the unidentified motorist, who I believe we should all be worshipping. I mean, he (or she) is the Chosen One, right? Who gets out of a traffic ticket because the cop gets shot by an arrow? I mean cash, sexual favors—sure. But shot by an arrow? That's not luck, that's burning bush. Unidentified motorist, I praise you. Verily, I love and fear you and wish you would get me a pony for Christmas.
WEDNESDAY, July 2 With all the sensitivity and elan of Charlton Heston riding into Colorado days after the Columbine massacre, the Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms (CCRKBA) sends us out an e-mail saying the horrific sword attack in an Irvine supermarket happened because of "California's antiquated, discretionary concealed carry law." The CCRKBA—whose most pressing order of action should be getting a shorter acronym—claimed that "a legally armed citizen might have stopped a crazed man at an Irvine supermarket before he was able to kill two people and slash three others in a Sunday morning attack." It went on, "had there been even one armed [person] in the store, the outcome might have been different." But, see, there was an armed person in the store: Joseph Hunter Parker, and he was carrying a samurai sword. If California had relaxed concealed weapons laws chances are Parker would have killed a whole lot more people. Just thank heavens he wasn't toting a bow and arrow. Nothing anyone could do about that.
THURSDAY, July 3 The jobless rate reaches a nine-year high today and I have no doubt it has something to do with the do-nothings at Southern California Edison whose chicanery has slowed the means of production. I know I can't be productive today because I can't turn on my computer because my computer is one of those old-fashioned models that requires electricity to operate and Mr. Edison has decided I don't get no electricity at the house today. Why? Because I didn't pay the "bill." It's all money with these people. Hey, I have no time to think about money, I'm an artist, I need most of my brain capacity to write funny things about sodomy. You think that's easy, Mr. Bean Counter? And anyway, how did SCE inform me that I hadn't paid my "bill"? They sent me one measly bill. Followed by another bill followed by a third bill last week with the arcane message "Urgent! Payment Required" written in big red letters on the outside of the envelope. What am I, an electrical engineer? How am I supposed to decipher that? Look, if you want me to pay my bill, just tell me that, don't make me figure out the rules of thermal dynamics—which are totally overrated, by the way.