Mr. T

Illustration by Bob AulYou'll believe anything except the inconvenient truth. When your brother ripped you off and blamed it on Mexicans, you believed him. When your girlfriend slept with everyone on your sales team and you heard about it, you pretended it was just a joke—have you noticed how edgy everyone is when you suggest you're her pimp? And when T came in Monday morning with a fat lip and his eye swollen shut and told you he'd been mugged, you gave him the day off. Here's what really happened: T and I went over to your house Saturday and drank with your girlfriend. She told us she wanted to play a little game: we turn off the lights and T and me swing chairs at each other. Whoever's left standing gets to sleep with her. Remember, we were drunk. Anyhow, I won, but I was too hurt to claim my prize, so we just all drank more. Now I learn that T used his day off to claim my prize. Are you listening to me?