Nippies: Patch of Freedom

Nipples are no-no's—but only female nipples. You see, the rosy ducts that deliver nectar to the newborn are shameful and must be hidden from sight—at least according to our government.

California Municipal Code section 10.12.030 B defines nude as "devoid of any opaque covering of the genitals, pubic hair, buttocks, perineum, anus or anal region of any person; or, any portion of the breast, at or below the areola thereof, of any female person" (my emphasis).

The law goes on to say that women are not allowed to wear "any device or covering which is intended to simulate such portions [the nipple or areola] of the breast" or expose their breasts "below a straight line so drawn that both nipples and portions of both breasts which have a different pigmentation than that of the main portion of the breasts are below such a straight line."

Whatever the meaty jargon means, do not despair, you of the thongy cloth; you of the non-Puritanical faith; you who think the world lusts for your surgically enhanced, overexercised, consistently binged-and-purged exoskeleton: Nippies are here! Yes, not only can you make the world your gynecologist by wearing that strand of dental floss up your crack, but now you may expose all the mammary you wish while shielding us from those unsightly naughty knobs.

Nippies, "the patch of freedom," are fun! And they don't just liberate you from the misogynistic nipple double standard; they also give you hours upon hours of cardiovascular enjoyment as you run like hell from oversexed catcallers who think you're a big, dirty slut aching to blow them!

Born of the pasty, Nippies are way stickier than their progenitors and come in sizes and styles other than "glitter stripper whore"—pink lightening bolts, fluffy white feathers, plaid, shimmery metallic stars. But don't be fooled, you'll still be chased like a hooker with a 14-inch esophagus.

In fact, we asked a random Weekly guy what he'd think of a girl who entered a bar wearing Nippies under a see-through blouse, as shown in the Nippies PR materials:

Enhance your summer wear and build important leg muscle with Nippies, found at www.nippies.net.