The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

Ladies and Gentlemen, Miss Chile Pepper 2003!

I don't believe in TV news, but when I saw a bumper for KNBC's carwash "exposť," I couldn't turn away. What were they going to show? Your SUV being rinsed in already-used water? Guys thieving change out of ashtrays? Imagine my utter shock when their exposťturned up the fact that immigrants are not being paid the minimum wage—that indeed they're paid about two dollars an hour, in cash, with falsified time cards turned in on their behalf, and that one lucky guy made out with a whopping $8 for a 10-hour day!

What's KNBC run by these days? A bunch of class warfare-inciting Marxist pigs? Class warfare is bad! Just ask the Republican leader of the Texas Leg!

Then Colleen Williamsreported the May 15 death of "June Carpenter Cash." Let's give the beautiful June Cash, daughter of the legendary Carter family, a bit more respect. This is the woman who wrote the eternal "Ring of Fire" about her affair with Johnny Cash, whom she then married. Who ever thought frail Johnny would outlive his beautiful wife? We are sad today, but comforting ourselves with many, many spins of her cackling ripping of "Quentin Tarantina."

The BMI Pop Awards May 13 at the Beverly Regent Wilshire (setting for the eternal ode to buying people—no, not Cocktail! Pretty Woman!) was outlandishly fine. Dinner was preposterously delicious, considering they were serving lobster salad, filet mignon with Hollandaise and shrimp, and warm, fresh-blueberry pielets to something like 7,000 people. I had to sneak out of the affair to smoke and call Commie Mom. "Guess who's at our table?" I asked. She didn't know. "Miss Connie Stevens," I replied triumphantly but slyly, because the kicker would come a moment later. "Oh, and Representative John Conyers!" Commie Mom was appropriately breathless. Miss Stevens was absolutely lovely, all pink and blonde, even though we were where the boys aren't. You can't count the politically connected Fresno dentist seated next to her who kept trying to get her to run for the U.S. Senate. She graciously declined.

Because I'm so fancy and in the news loop, I mentioned to Conyers that I remembered the story of how he'd been strip-searched at an airport right after September 11. God, I am so cool! Then he told me that was a different Michigan representative, Rep. John Dingell. Dingell, he said, has a metal plate in his hip. Oh.

Conyers sat at the table, drinking a Coke, and writing his speech on a napkin with a Sharpie (soulmates!). The speech, he said, would announce that he was opening impeachment proceedings against the President. We were delighted. Then he disappeared.

I'm told that he had to make a plane, and the show (a tribute to the Motown hit-cranking songwriting team Holland-Dozier-Holland, with peeps like Mary Wilson roaring around the stage) was running late. We might as well believe them, since we're all out of space.

I know who killed Lisa Fischer.
« Previous Page