Beach Fuzz

Illustration by Bob AulThe residents of Huntington Beach would like to thank you for the kick-ass job you did on me recently. Thanks for busting down the door because you had an "anonymous tip." Thanks for the compliments on growing the best weed you'd ever seen. Thanks for focusing on me while ignoring the ex-cons, rapists, tweakers and violent offenders of all kinds in the complex behind my home. Thanks for setting me straight, for showing me how bad I really was—the supposed kingpin of a huge marijuana-cultivation circle. And thanks last of all for stealing cash, receipts and baseball cards worth thousands of dollars—no, really, it's okay! I want your kids to enjoy stolen property!

I'll certainly straighten up now that you've bitch-slapped me into seeing how dangerous marijuana is. I promise to ignore the counterexample you provided by belittling me while you ransacked my house, trying to pick up on my girlfriend while busting us, and exaggerating the weight of marijuana you found. With any luck, we'll get to see each other every day—when you're busted on corruption charges and end up in the Orange County Jail.