By On the occasion of our 20th anniversary
By Gustavo Arellano
By R. Scott Moxley
By Alfonso Delgado
By Courtney Hamilton
By Joel Beers
By Peter Maguire
By Charles Lam
Illustration by Bob AulTo every woman I've ever known: You are psychotic. Without your loving contributions the world might make some sense. I shed a tear.
To my delusional ex-girlfriend who proclaimed with heart-wrenching sorrow the need that I become a permanent part of her life while she banged my "good" friend on the side . . .
To the girl who recently named me her "poopsy," for crying out in horror when I attempted to get off the phone with her after a 17-hour conversation about nothing . . .
To my raving lunatic of an ex-boss who stiffed me for cash, anally raped me and claimed I had Alzheimer's when she realized she left her brain in the Volvo 10 years ago . . .
To the legions of girls working part-time as venomous eye-candy, for exclaiming, "Who the fuck are you?" when confronted with the possibility of dancing with a male at the club . . .
To the herds, the flocks and the gaggles of women around the world who save themselves for that special someone who will always treat them like shit . . .
To all: friends, roommates, family members and women of the world . . .
. . . Thank you for your endless extraterrestrial interactions. You are all fucking crazy!
Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations —changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/oOC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org.