WELCOME WAGON

Illustration by Bob AulI'd like to welcome you, on behalf of all the neighbors, to our quiet, clean, picturesque little Buena Park neighborhood. I have a welcome basket for you from the neighborhood. I know it's a really big basket, but we wanted to have something for all 20 or so of you. What? I missed a few of you? It's nice to see that everyone here owns a car. Thanks for lining the street with your work vans, trucks and cars. It's so nice to walk out my front door every day and see vans and cars lined up in front of my house, your house and your next-door neighbor's house—and, of course, on your lawn. I have the same view when I come home from work. I used to have an easy time backing out of my driveway. But since you arrived, even that is more fun and challenging because you park blocking your own driveway. I noticed your weekend hobby is to work on your two non-working vehicles while blaring your annoying music. When do you think those cars will run? Because you need more cars. Also, what will you do with the stack of cardboard you have piled on the small pickup truck in the garage? And about your weekly gathering to which you invite more family and friends to the neighborhood every Sunday, lining the street with even more cars? We'd like to say thanks for that, too. I've been waiting for your landlord to show up someday. I want to thank him, too, on behalf of all the neighbors. Boy, do I want to thank him. What's in the basket? Let's see. A clue, some class, and a book, How to Live in a Real Neighborhood. All things you could use, but will never figure out.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations—changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent—to "Hey, You!" c/o OC Weekly, P.O. Box 10788, Costa Mesa, CA 92627-0247, or e-mail us at letters@ocweekly.com.
 
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