Dont Be That Guy

A brief guide to first dates

* * *

We popped in for a fix of Eddie Day, the Wizard of Rock & Roll at the world-famous boudoir lounge The Fling. But uh-oh! There's a lot less of Eddie to love! Though still an ample man, the mulleted guitarist who takes his enthralled listeners old and young on an epic journey from Journeyto Frank Sinatraand Bruce Hornsby and the Rangeseems to have misplaced at least half of himself! Congratulations, Eddie Day!

See this old lady? She grabs the hands of young men and dances with them. Then she does the splits. We will be this old lady some day if it kills us, which it probably will.

* * *

Wanting a new dive to love, we hit JJ's Sports Bar in Orange. Not a lot was going on—it was extremely mellow, with Bob Marley on the box—except in the head of the bar's only other female patron. She paced frantically from side to side, practically wearing a hole in the thighs of her leather chaps, as her companion shot a really lousy game of pool. She probably would have given anything for a box of matches from which to endlessly scrape the sulfur, but you gotta work with what you got, and if all you have is a carpet to wear a trail in, then that's your life's lot.

And you know what? Even she didn't babble on about her friend in Tavarua.

Good luck to you, small methed-out lady.

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