Illustration by Bob AulYou have been atrocious beyond all roommates. Your obnoxiousness should earn you a place in the Roommate From Hell Hall of Shame. You have been here since October, and in that time: (1) You have attempted to move one of your friends in—without my consent—so you could play landlord and earn $200 per month! (2) Because of the never-ending stink that emanates from YOUR bathroom, you've made our hallway smell like a convalescent home. (3) You've sung the SAME played-out '70s classic-rock hits EVERY DAY while you shower. I love "Bohemian Rhapsody," too, really, but I can listen to you butcher it only so many times before I want to butcher you. (4) You've eaten my food, in one case consuming a WHOLE POUND of cheese (which may explain No. 2, above) and LIED to my face about it. You ate most of the apple pie my girlfriend baked me and most of my birthday cake. I cannot count the number of sodas you've stolen and swilled. You are a pig. (5) You almost had me arrested when, based on Nos. 1 through 4, I tried to throw you out. (6) You go around saying, "I know karate! I'm a black belt!" But no one's EVER seen you fight, my friend, and we're all sick of your bullshit war stories about how you ALMOST kicked someone's ass. (7) You dress like your mother picked your clothes out. (8) You have sex with women so ugly we still wonder if they're women. (9) You had sex with a Mongoloid. (10) You actually PURSUED her. (11) You're ugly.
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