Contest!

Heaven knows we have enjoyed ripping the French: pompous, petty, pathetic—they were a nice, non-threatening target you could make fun of without feeling guilty, which is why France is funny and Surinam isn't. But when Republican congressmen and Wiley Drake start to join the fun, you know you're over—and French jokes are over like cheap gas and funny Eddie Murphy movies. Still, it's necessary to have a national foil, someone everyone can agree sucks without worrying about the consequences, which is why France is funny and China isn't. So, we'd like any suggestions about which country we should now taunt. Is it the bulbous Portuguese? The guileless Croats? Don't tell me the Canadians don't have something coming, what with their insufferable smugness regarding their magnetic nickel as compared to our own, non-magnetic U.S. nickel. Canadians. I have a suggestion: Norwegians. Tight-lipped, whale-killing Norwegians not only eat salted fish, but they are also well-known for their arrogance in regards to smelting—everything is smelting with these people—as well as a national tendency toward pillaging, which is why Norwegians are known as the Texans of Scandinavia. Which would make you feel sorry for the rest of Scandinavia, except they're all a bunch of passive-aggressive sex maniacs who don't bathe properly and have an unnaturally "close" relationship with hooved animals. That's my choice—what's yours? Let us know. If history teaches us anything, it's there's always plenty of hate to go around, God bless us everyone . . . 'cept the Canadians, who can rot in hell with their goddamn magnetic nickels for all I care.

E-mail your answers to slowery@ocweekly.com.
 
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