Ahoy, Orange County! 'Tis I—your beloved county Treasurer John Moorlach, Esq.—ready to lead you out of disaster. After predicting the largest municipal bankruptcy in U.S. history, I was swept into office. As we face another financial crisis—one that will leave us $90 million to $100 million short—I've devised a new way to offset looming losses: I am offering my services as a hunky advertising model. Perhaps you saw my ad (above, right) in Southern California Automobile Club's Westwaysmagazine. Next, I auditioned to be the new Marlboro Man, since I'd lobbied to have the county's tobacco settlement go toward debt reduction instead of health care. Sadly, Mason Reese got the part. But I left such an impression that I'm now much in demand as an underwear model (below, right). We shall be saved—one pair of skimpy man thongs at a time.